Instagram fun

Quinn had to change phone providers for work, so he surprised me with a new iPhone. I've been having lots of fun with Instagram and taking tons of pictures. I decided I'd be posting them on my blog to keep them part of my scrapbook.

the zoo

 Lila's cute Giraffe leggings. A part of her Halloween costume.

 Lila's cute new pedicure.

We got tickets to go to the Zoo and asked my mom and dad along since they were watching Ben, Gracie and Evie.
I asked my mom and dad watch Lila while I worked earlier in the day since they also had the other cousins, I thought Lila would like a little cousin time. My mom sent me the text "this baby is so loved. They were fighting about who gets to be by her so we are on a rotation basis...2 at the side and one rubbing her feet... how would it be to have soooooo much love!" Made my whole day. We are lucky for good cousins.

sugarhouse vision

Did you know about a cute little optical shop in the heart of surgarhouse that has been around for over 70 years? Its called Sugarhouse vision and I have started to work there on Saturdays. (trying to chip away at that IVF bill) They have the cutest manager/co-owner. I think I am in love. They also do kids so you should bring in the whole family! Check them out. 801-484-2020 
Thanks to those who take their turn and watch the little lady for me.

The very hungry caterpillar

Lila's Grandma and Grandpa Thomson got her a special birthday present. We have been wanting The very hungry caterpillar by Eric Carle braille addition since our vision therapist brought it one day. It has been very hard to track down. Lila loves it! She likes to pet the fuzzy caterpillars and touch the different foods. Her breathing gets really quite, she concentrates and touches the pages. I love that I know she likes doing something.   What a gift it is just to know that your child likes doing an activity. It helps me feel like I can actually entertain my baby. THANK YOU grandma and grandpa!

Her favorite page is the fat caterpillar. She just stares and rubs her little hand across the page.

swimming at grandmas and grandpas

 we took little miss swimming in grandmas and grandpas hot tub. She was in a crying mood at first and the swimming really calmed her down. Grandpa gave her his head pillow to see if she could do some floating on her own. She was swimming all by herself.

getting by

This is the most lost I have ever felt in my life. Quinn and I have no idea what action to take next. How to move forward to create the family we so desperately want. I fear that not having one may just be Quinn and I's hurtle to overcome. When I think about the future it fills me with dread and worry. I don't want to feel that at 29 my future looks bleak.  It feels like I have a hole in my chest that I never knew was there that constantly aches and throbs.
But I am grateful. I am lucky to have my best friend hold me at night, to try and reassure me and to know exactly what all this feels like. I am grateful that when he hears bad news his first reaction is to tell me he loves me and not to curse fate or be angry. I am grateful for a sweet little girl that is still safe in my arms and not in a hospital bed or even worse. For an angel who laughs with me in the mornings and cuddles in the afternoons. Who will give me looks like she knows exactly what is going on and will follow it up by a knowing smile. Who is patient and kind and takes joy in the most simplest of things.

more bad news

Our embryo didn't make it.  They called today and told us our lone embryo was deteriorating and wouldn't survive  a freeze. They were just going to let it go.  We have nothing left.