Two years. Two years my love. How can it be so long since I have held you, since I have kissed your sweet lips and watched a smile start in your eyes and spread to your crooked mouth? How have I survived without you? How can it be? I wonder how I can still breathe without you, how I can still put one foot in front of the other and I know it is through the love of those still left behind with me on this Earth. If not for them I would be lost without you.
The anniversary of your death always make me reflect on the time we did have, and oh how I am lucky. Your Uncle Mikey called this morning and as we sobbed together he told me just what a privilege it was to be your Uncle and how what a glorious gift I have been given to say that I am your mother. I felt pride my darling, I know one day I will tell a room full of wondrous spirits that I am your mother and they will think I am the most blessed woman. I am sure that I will have stories waiting for me of all the people you are helping and loving in heaven. They will thank me for letting you go so that you could be with them.
The years have been so different since you have gone. We are quite ordinary. We do preschool and playdates. We go to the doctor for checkups and not for emergencies. Developmental milestones are hit on time or before, and I struggle to find things to talk to our pediatrician about. I just know there must be something that I should be concerned about. And while it is blissfully wonderful and I am so grateful for the ordinary a large chunk of special left our house when you did and I can feel its absence. A quiet nagging that something so pure, special and heavenly has left the home. I try and recapture it by telling Ruby and Eddie stories of their sister. Ruby is just starting to ask questions about you. She is concerned that you are sleeping in every picture and can't quite grasp why in the world you aren't sitting up. I fear that I will have no real answers for her since I am trying to figure it out myself. I think that is one of my biggest regrets is that your brother and sister will never really know what it was like to have you in our home. That soft and gentle spirit, you affected everyone that was around you and you never said a word. What power.
I wish you could be for a million reasons but most of all to know your brother and sister. They are hilarious and I am so in awe of them. Ruby is a spitfire, I imagine that you and Heavenly Father conspired to send this feisty, independent, smart, precocious, tenacious, lovable, funny and sweet girl to me. I have a feeling that we will be best friends this girl you sent. She surprises me everyday and keeps me on my toes. Your brother Eddie is all squishy love. He has your eyes. Well, he has the blue not the slightly more left green eye. He has white hair as well and I see you in him. He just wants to be held all the time and I wonder if you did that so that I could be hugged all day long. Your siblings are amazing and life saving for me. I cannot wait to see you all together. When I am feeling particularly low I imagine all of us together, usually on a beach playing in the sand. I see you running with your sister and helping your baby brother. Its my happy place and I ache in a horrible new way every time I picture it but I can't help myself.
Your dad and I miss you so much. We stay up nights talking about you, about how your siblings would be with you and how you would be with them. I wonder and fret and cry about how I could have kept you here longer. Your strong and faithful daddy always reassures me that that was never the plan. You were only ours for a brief moment. I am grateful for your dad. He is the rock that has kept me from succumbing to the waves of grief. We truly are a blessed family to have us all.
When your anniversary was coming up I was getting nervous that it might be forgotten from family and friends. I wasn't feeling up to having a big gathering and thought that then people wouldn't remember. People have started to bring you up less in conversation. Even some friends and family close to us have inadvertently hurt our feelings with no mention of you or acting like you never existed. Thankfully I was so wrong. I opened the curtains this morning and saw that the neighbors had tied purple ribbons all over our house. As I went out to take pictures I started to notice that they were up and down the street. Everyone had tied purple ribbons to show their love. I can't tell you the relief that washed over me and the happiness. I am so grateful that you are remembered and celebrated.
I took you flowers from our garden Lilacs and tulips. Five tulips for each member of our family. One being white.
It was pouring at the cemetery, just like the day that you passed.
Your Aunt Kelli suggested we go do sealings at the temple. It was incredible. I sobbed the whole time and thought of our family all together again. I cannot wait my dear. I was so glad that my friend Tiffany had asked if she could embroider a tulip on my temple dress. I couldn't help but be overwhelmed when I saw it.
Friends brought flowers, a toy giraffe and cookies to show their love. The williams even sent us a video of them doing acts of service in your honor. What really should have been a rotten day actually turned out to be full of love, support and a reminder that we will all be together again. I feel like it will never come but I know I will have you in my arms again.
I love you so much my sweet girl. You are not forgotten. You live on in the hearts of so many. We are blessed to have had you with us for as long as we did. I cannot wait my sweet. Until we meet again.
This is the dreaded week. The anniversary of Lila's death is tomorrow and I can feel that horrible grief monster that I usually keep chained away escaping and rising to the surface, scraping and tearing away at my heart. Tonight as I was putting Ruby to bed I told her that tomorrow I will be really sad. That lila left us on that day two years ago and that I really miss her. I started to cry and put my head down so I wouldn't scare her. I felt her little arms go around my neck and then her hands found my face and pushed my chin up so that I would look at her. She said "oh, mommy its gonna be ok." Then she hugged me and I felt like she was holding me up. " I miss lila too, mommy" These moments, they are perfect.
My friends wanted to walk through the tulip festival in honor or Lila but the weather was not cooperating. Instead we went to dinner at the garden downtown and looked at the gorgeous tulips from under the Joseph smith memorial awnings
Yesterday we were at our wits end with this one not sleeping. We tried crying it out, rocking, and car rides. He Didn't want to sleep. I think with all my effort he maybe slept forty minutes all day. That included a friend dinner where lyndsay help him the entire time. Yet this was him at 930 at night. Ugh. At least he is happy
Yep, it's that time. Ruby is such s big girl and kinda rocked potty training. I was nervous but she did awesome. This girl is always full of suprises. I thought she would be stubborn but she did amazing.
Her favorite present was her lip stuff. I think she applied it for six straight hours. Literally