Sunday, July 5, 2015

dear little man

Dear son,
I realized that by this time in pregnancy I was writing letters to your sisters and I haven't yet for you. You are twenty two weeks along and I am starting to feel more than just your flutters, there are some nice little kicks and jabs. A couple of days ago your dad felt a good kick for the first time. It made us so happy.  We are so excited for your arrival. The first half of my pregnancy was flying by but now it seems to have slowed. October seems a long way off. Maybe its because I am getting bigger and its getting hotter!
I worry about you constantly and struggle to enjoy pregnancy. I did this with your sisters as well so don't feel bad. It also doesn't help that the doctors have thrown out comments like genetic syndrome. The fear of all that that entails just starts to overwhelm me. I am still deep in grief from losing your sister, and the thoughts of you not healthy are daunting. But what I have learned in this life so far my boy is that worrying gets you absolutely no where. It paralyzes you for the work that needs to be done. And so I am putting my faith in an all knowing God and hoping that whatever comes into your and my life is only for good and for purpose.
I have struggled with being pregnant again, and I fear that is why I have not been as diligent with tummy pictures and letters to you. I have been hurting with the thought of bringing another precious member of our family home when we are not all here.  I have struggled with the fact that you will never be with your oldest sister on this Earth. I have been surprised by the amount of grief knowing that I will never have that "complete" family feeling. I mourn for you that you will not get to have some time with Lila.  The grief is mixed with such excitement for you, it is an odd and strange road to travel. I know that you coming will heal some of that grief and I know it will create a new and fresh wound as well. What a journey we have before us.
Your older sis Ruby is excited for you. She kisses my tummy and gives loves to "baby brudder" I have such high hopes for the two of you. I pray that you will be each others best friends. Only twenty six months apart I hope that you will find in each other the kind of friendship that I found with my brother growing up. We were each others favorite person. I hope so very much that happens for you and Ruby.
Your dad and I are getting closer to your name. We have struggled with finding you a name. Its actually been kinda funny. All of your aunts and Uncles and grandparents have looked through baby lists and made suggestions. Its been a very long process. The girls names  came so easily and I have tried so hard to find you a name that you will love and be proud of . I feel like since we are closer to your name you are becoming more real.
Your dad and I were talking that we are so use to unfortunate news in our lives that finding out that you were coming to us didn't seem real. We still are in shock that you are actually growing inside me. And a little boy as well! How foreign for us. What a fun and new adventure. I have been praying that I will be a good mom to a boy ( I hope I am being  a good mom to a girl as well) . Your dad thinks I am over thinking it, but I have never been a mom to a boy. I really want to do a good job. I hope you will be proud to call me your mom someday.
Your dad and I talk about our thoughts on what your little personality will be and we know that there is no way to know what is coming our way. We never could have foreseen Lila or Ruby. We are so excited for you. You my sweet boy are a miracle. I want you to know that. I want you to really understand that you are coming to two parents who have begged and pleaded for  you. I want you to understand - and I don't think you will until you have children of your own- what your little life means to us. What the birth of you after the death of your sister will mean to us.  We love you already and we are so grateful for you. I can't wait to meet you my sweet baby.


Friday, July 3, 2015

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Lila's pool

One of the reasons we bought our home was because it had a pool in the backyard. Lila loved the pool so much, it was one of her great joys to float and get all that weight off her broken body. We thought it would be amazing to have a pool for her to have water therapy. I'm not sure I would've bought a home with a pool otherwise with having other little children running around but we thought that Lila  would truly benefit from it. When she passed away quinn and I struggled with what we were going to do with the pool. Our first thought was to fill it in, but gradually we did nothing and it turned into a neglected and disgusting swamp. When Quinn's friends came and cleaned up our backyard it motivated me to get going on the neglected pool. Quinn and I finally decided to get some bids on what it would cost to clean up the pool. We decided to open it in lilas honor. 

It was disgusting. Our year of neglect certainly showed. Professionals came and drained it, acid washed it and got it all ready to fill. 

Heaven help our water bill. 

Before it was all set up and chlorinated. Quinn threw cubbie in. She hated it! The panic in her eyes! She swam to the stairs and ran, I don't think I'll have to worry about a dog in my pool. 

Finally swimming in the pool was very emotional. This was Lila's  favorite activity, in the pool it was nice and warm and ready for her. We miss her so much and wish that she was with us every single day. (don't worry there is a safety cover on the pool when not in use for my little daredevil Ruby.) 

Ruby is swimming for her sissy 

Floating , I hope Lila is right there with us 

Saturday, June 27, 2015


We were in St. George this last week and got the chance to stop by and say hi to Eliza. I love to see her and drink in her sweet spirit, But it always makes me miss my little girl. This time was especially hard Ruby was so cute to Liza. She took her toys and kissed her and wanted to be with her most of the time. It Showed me what a sweet little sister ruby would have been.  My heart just ached that Ruby will never have the opportunity to love Lila the way she should have. 

Thursday, June 25, 2015

I came across this today. I think it's a great visual to what dealing with grief is like everyday 
It's by Lynda cheldelin fell

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Lila's ossicones

I've started to do ruby's hair like Lila's. It's funny how these little things can hurt. We use to call them Lila's ossicones (giraffe horns) my little giraffe, oh how I miss you.