Friday, November 14, 2014

Children's museum

It's crazy that just going to the children's museum can fill me with so much gratitude. I never thought we would be the kind of family who got to got to go to those  kind of places. It was amazing to watch ruby play. A miracle.

She was so funny in the gift shop. She just rolled around with the doggie. 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

More giraffe

I realized I hadn't posted our trip to see lila on Halloween. Ruby wore lila's giraffe costume this year. It made me miss her  terribly but it was so nice to see it being played in.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Gone from my sight- Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone”

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me — not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,”
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”

And that is dying…

Tuesday, November 4, 2014


Quinn and I joined a grief group for parents that have lost children. Its been hard and also good to listen to other parents talk about their experiences. Our children have all died from something different and Lila was the only special needs child, but it is amazing how much we are all experiencing the same difficulties. How anger, agony, depression, sadness and despair can come out of the blue and crush you. Even at six month later I keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare. Its hard because at six months we are now use to taking care of just one child and that in and of itself hurts. I am a mommy of two beautiful girls, I want to be dressing two girls, feeding two girls and playing with two. The fact that I am used to only one means that time is passing and I am getting further and further away from the time that I had with Lila. Its devastating and while Quinn and I put on a good face I am broken inside. People tell me that they think I am handling this all so well, its because my grief is too sacred to share. Even on this blog that has for so long been a source of therapy its hard for me to even describe what we are going through. So therapy has been nice. As I hysterically sob and struggle just to say Lila's name no one is shifting awkwardly and trying to come up with some comforting words, we all feel broken, there are no words of comfort. Our children are dead. We are everyone's absolute worst nightmare. But together we understand each other. We know what its like to wake up in the middle of the night and wish that we could fall asleep fast because in our dreams we are not living this horrid reality. We know how much it hurts to see a child that is the same age as ours running and enjoying life or how in the middle of a busy halloween party the sight of a child in a wheelchair can induce such violent and loud sobs that we have to hide in an alley between two buildings as to not alarm small children. This is my reality.  This is the world in which I find myself, struggling to navigate my way through and yet I know that I must. Somehow at the end of all of this is a little girl who is waiting for me. If I can just get to her, get all my family there we can be complete again.

Saturday, November 1, 2014


Ruby has been obsessed  with her trick or treating candy. The only word we hear from her lately is more

My sleeping beauty

Oh how I ache for you 

My little giraffe

Ruby second Halloween was quite the success. We went up to Park City and trick or treated on Main Street. There were thousands of people and dogs dressed in costume. It was a little one year olds dream.
This holiday was much harder on me than I thought it would be. There were several times where I had to stop and take a moment And cry. I sure miss my sweet little Lila. I miss dressing her up for Halloween. I miss that little laugh that she had when I put it on her Sleeping Beauty costume. Sometimes it's all too much. I feel very empty sometimes. Thank goodness for Ruby or this holiday would have been unbearable