Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Each release of a righteous individual from this life is also a call to new labors. Those who have true hope understand this. Therefore, though we missed the departed righteous so much here, hundreds may feel their touch there. One day, those hundreds will thank the bereaved for gracefully forgoing the extended association with choice individuals here, in order that they could help hundreds there. In God's ecology talent and love are never wasted. A mortal life may need to be shortened by 20 years as we might view - but if so, it may be done in order for special services to be rendered by that individual in the spirit world, services that will benefit thousands of new neighbors.

-Neal a maxwell 

I hope heaven is adoring and adequately grateful for their new  addition. 

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Family Photos

 I realized I never posted the family photos that we got just two days before Lila passed. I had scheduled them months in advance since I was desperate to have pictures of Lila among the tulips. I never thought for one second these would be our last family photos.

Lila was sick and fresh out of the hospital. I thought about canceling and rescheduling but then I told myself there is never a guarantee of health with Lila. I should just get them done. I am really glad I did. Even though as I look at these I can tell my angel is so sick and feeling horrible I am grateful for these images. Our last moments as an earthly family.

I am so indebted to Heather Pickett who reedited  these images for me. If I had known these were going to be our last pictures I would have asked her to take them in the first place. But we went to a quick photo chain. When we got the images I was so sad. They were very overexposed. Luckily sweet heather worked her magic and they look a lot better! Thank you 

My poor girl. She was really struggling that day. I wonder if she knew what was coming. I hope angels were there to help her through her transition.

I simply adore this image. The trip was worth it even for just this one. How Lila is snuggled into her daddy and how she looks so angelic.

After these photos we placed Lila in the back of the car to change her diaper and put her in more comfortable clothes.  I thanked her for being such a trooper and she gave me a huge smile. I laughed and said, You stinker! you wait till after photos to smile? to which she responded with a precious laugh. That would be our last  smile and laugh. But it is still seared into my memory where I hope it stays safe and treasured forever.

She knows her

I show ruby lots of pictures of her sister. She has mastered saying "Lila" but I usually have to encourage her to say it. Today was a different . I held ruby up to the mantle over the fireplace and said who is this? Immediately she said "Lila." This was the first time I didn't preface it with "this is Lila, can you say Lila?" She just said it. Perfect and clear. I got teary and clapped for Ruby which she loves. I am so grateful that he knows her sister. Who knows just how deep their bond is. 

Friday, July 18, 2014

Eleven months

Happy eleven months to Ruby!! 
Ruby walks all over. It's unstable but she loves it and she is very determined. She has two teeth completely in and is getting three more, so she has been a tiny bit on the cranky side. : ) she loves to dance and sing. She is quite the "talker" but words she has mastered are hi, mama, dada, Lila, eyes, no, yes and bye bye. 
We started sleep training this month and while we had a few sad night of crying and screaming everyone is now sleeping much better and are happier. She loves to explore and climb and if we didn't watch her every minute she could get into real trouble. 
Love you baby girl

Somehow these stickers  end up on the head. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014


I got the proof to Lila's headstone today. I think we are set.  this is how it will look. 

was surprised with the amount of pain that hit me when I saw this. It's beautiful, sweet and simple, but it's so final. Those dates, The best and worst days of my life. I keep waiting to wake up from this awful dream but I'm not and I won't. 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

When I lay (my) questions before God I get no answer. But rather special sort of no answer. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, "peace, child; you don't understand."

- c.s Lewis 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Trying to live

I'm trying to continue to live. It's been really hard just to function, to try to go places, to talk to people.  I try really hard everyday for Ruby. I want her to have experiences and feel loved. I feel like we are helping each other through this. 

This was Ruby's first trip to the zoo. Of course we have to ride the giraffe in honor or our angel 

Going to the aquarium. Ruby loved the fishes. It amazing that she can watch the fish and enjoy the experience. 
I took ruby to the zoo on my birthday I wanted to be in a place that I had spent time with Lila. I wanted to see the giraffes and feel the peace that they bring me. 
We went to the play place at the mall. Ruby loved it. She loved to watch the kids and climb. This kid is a mover. She is all over the place.  She loves to do this little downward dog yoga move. She does it all the time.