Friday, January 23, 2015

This face!

Ruby was watching daddy clean his ears with a q - tip. Turn around for a second and she has a q-tip head sticking out of her ear. Have to be quick with this little lady

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Lila lane

Around the holidays my sister in law Ashly's brother Skyler came to visit us. We didn't know what was going on when he started to roll out some street design plans. He's a developer for ivory homes and said that one aspect of his job is to name new streets of developing neighborhoods. He said that a new little neighborhood was going in  just walking distance from our home. He said it was going to be beautiful and that he couldn't think of a better name than lila lane. Our sweet little girl will have a street named after her. How wonderful. We were so very touched.

Happy birthday Kelli

Happy fortieth birthday to my sweet sister.  I love you so much. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful and caring sister.
I had a surprise party for Kelli with some of her friends. It was so fun that i actually pulled off a complete surprise. I do feel bad because the only way I thought of getting her to my house without her suspecting was to tell her that I was having a really hard time and that I needed my sister. Of course she came out to comfort me but instead found a party waiting. We had a fun time and got to celebrate this wonderful girl.
Happy birthday kel

Monday, January 12, 2015

Ivf

Here we go again. Ivf. Just the thought makes me teary. Please pray for us. I know it seems so soon to start this process and I am having a really hard time with it. But we know that there is only a 30 percent chance of this round working and if we ever want Ruby to have a sibling (on this Earth) than we will have to start saving our pennies big time. You see we have one embryo left from  her round, one frozen little guy and we are hoping that this takes. If it does it will be about ten times cheaper. 
A friend was asking me how I felt about doing IVF. I think the best way to describe it is that I feel like a boxer, having gone many rounds in the ring, I am bloodied and broken and quite ready to throw in the towel and yet we are about to go another round. I fear that I may be knocked down again. But I hope that we have the courage to get back up and fight. 
Here's to miracles .

Memories

I want to remember all the funny little things. This blog has helped with that. Especially tiny moments with Lila. .i want to remember some of these little Ruby moments.
- the day she refused to take off her hat
- the day she discovered canee  (candy) and  was so desperate for a candy cane that she pulled out a chair and climbed onto the cabinet to find one. Once I caught her she innocently looked up at me with a mouth full of candy and said  canee?
- how every beautiful princess we see is lila. How on Christmas morning her cousin had on pajamas that had a princess on it and Ruby immediately pointed to it and said Lila.
- how  when ruby gets frustrated she calls me honey in the same tone that I say to Quinn when I'm frustrated.
- how her little mind is starting to put together words, like yesterday when at church she looked right up at me and said "don't mommy"
-how she calls matchsticks "happy" because we use them when we sing happy birthday.
- her favorite thing to do is brush her teeth, she loves to steal mom and dads toothbrush. 
-how everything is "So Hot" even when its cold. 
-how are home is covered in ziploc baggies because the drawer that we keep them in is too low. 
-how musical she is. She constantly sings in the car. Sounds more like a yell but we might be going to juilliard. 
-the day I was sad I had to go through IVF and Ruby looked at me and said momma. I knew I would do anything for her and for her sister and for anymore to come. 

A new year

2015. A new year. I was so worried about surviving the holidays that I didn't even think about the New Year and it was surprisingly painful. (Im not sure why I am surprised anymore) A new year that Lila will never be a part of. 2014 was the last the world knew of my girl and so 2015 feels especially painful. Last year in regards of the new year I wrote. "2014. I am a little nervous to get to know you. Usually I am ready to start a new year but 2013 was wonderful. Lila is still here and my baby Ruby joined the family. But there is a nagging little thought that this could be the year that takes my girl. Lila has had so many complications the last few months that the wheels in my head have been turning. I can't imagine my life without this bright spirit in our home. And maybe I won't have to for a while, maybe 2014 will be full of joy, happiness, new beginnings and health. I hope so. " Mommy intuition? A Heavenly Father speaking caution to my heart? I'm not sure but four short months later my daughter was gone, and the world ceased to be what I thought it was. There are no words to describe the pain. The all encompassing ache.
So 2015, you are here. There is not much I can do about that. I pray that this year is full of healing. Of moments of peace. I pray that a new child my come into our home, a new spirit to love. I hope that a renewed strength to my heart is given and the passing days will lessen the sharp pain in my chest. I hope moments of clarity are abundant with communication between my soul and my daughters. I wish to continue. To put one foot in front of the other and to press forward.

Sunday, January 11, 2015