Sunday, September 30, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
I asked my mom and dad watch Lila while I worked earlier in the day since they also had the other cousins, I thought Lila would like a little cousin time. My mom sent me the text "this baby is so loved. They were fighting about who gets to be by her so we are on a rotation basis...2 at the side and one rubbing her feet... how would it be to have soooooo much love!" Made my whole day. We are lucky for good cousins.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Thanks to those who take their turn and watch the little lady for me.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
But I am grateful. I am lucky to have my best friend hold me at night, to try and reassure me and to know exactly what all this feels like. I am grateful that when he hears bad news his first reaction is to tell me he loves me and not to curse fate or be angry. I am grateful for a sweet little girl that is still safe in my arms and not in a hospital bed or even worse. For an angel who laughs with me in the mornings and cuddles in the afternoons. Who will give me looks like she knows exactly what is going on and will follow it up by a knowing smile. Who is patient and kind and takes joy in the most simplest of things.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Our IVF cycle is over. It didn't work.
This cycle was a roller coaster. That is the best way to describe it. After finding out I have some fertility issues we weren't that confident going forward but we knew we had to give it our best effort. We did the medication and after a few days we saw some progress. The doctors were pleasantly surprised, something that made me believe we might have a miracle. We went into the egg retrieval hoping for around five eggs. (The normal person gets 15 to 20) I ended up with nine. A miracle for me! I thought yes! this is it! this is finally my little families break. Its been a rough two years and this is going to be our reward for sticking it out. The called the next day and said only 2 fertilized. ugh. How defeating. Quinn and I agonized over what to do. You see, to test the embryos is 5 thousand, whether you have 100 or just 2. We didn't know what to do. We decided to see how they looked today (day 3 in their dish) and see if they looked like they would be good embryos. They called today and said one had some abnormalities and they couldn't use it. The other one on the other hand looked good. They said you have to make your decision in the next few minutes on what you want to do. I had no idea. Do we spend 5 thousand on just one embryo?!!! what if the next time we try I get none?! The clinic suggested we freeze this embryo and test it when and if we get more embryos from a different cycle. We could test them all together then. But sometimes embryos die because of the freezing process. What a horrible position to be in. We decided to freeze it... then we decided to test it. Back and forth. Finally we decided to test it. I called back my doctor and said this could be my only chance at biological children, lets test it. He told me he was really sorry but we lost our window. The embryo grew so fast while we were debating that we have no choice now but to wait to day five, do the biopsy and then freeze the embryo and the biopsy and wait till we do a fresh cycle to see if we can get more embryos.
I feel a little picked on. Could I have a terminally ill special needs child OR fertility issues? Why both??!! Does the big guy upstairs just really really not want me to be a mom? I feel like I am laying on the floor of a boxing ring just having gone twenty rounds with the world champ. I am deciding if there is anything left of my heart to try and pick myself back up and try again.
Monday, September 10, 2012
My amazing partner in all of this has been my biggest strength. Quinn has been incredible. How I hooked this guy I will never know. I am convinced a weaker man would have moved out by now. He has kissed every tear and encouraged me through every shot, even when I am trying to run away from him and the needle. He keeps reminding me that even if we don't get to have the blessing of children in our lives we are already blessed to have each other. How many people find their soul mate? I Love you Quinn. Thank you for being the man that I always use to dream of as a little girl. Come what may I am lucky to hold your hand and travel these harsh storms, where ever they happen to push us, as long as I have you....
Sunday, September 9, 2012
|I love flashback pics! Quinn found this pic while cleaning out his car. I think this was 2004. I love finding old pictures. How hilarious. Just hanging with Tory, Sara, Meredith and Barbara Walters. We saw her while walking in Vegas.|
|Liz posted this one on facebook the other day. This is us in 2000 (I think, we were Juniors right?) Liz and I could be so annoying together. We were constantly goofing off. We had a ton of fun though. Right Stobbie?|
Thursday, September 6, 2012
This IVF has been a roller coaster ride. Just when I give up hope the docs tell me there is a small chance of success. Our first ultrasound didn't go so well. There was talk of just canceling the whole cycle. Let me tell you after a week of pricey hormones injections canceling is pretty devastating to hear. We went to our next ultrasound this morning and after the doc prefaced us by explaining my body is just not doing what he wants and how this isn't going very well, he started the ultrasound. As he looked at my body he said, "well this is looking OK. I can tell that you guys have been praying." Quinn and I started laughing. A bit of an understatement. He continued on to tell me it still doesn't look great. Especially since we are doing PGD but at least we have some progression. I just wanted to share because I think all your prayers are helping. Please keep praying for us. Hopefully there is a miracle around the corner.....
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Sweet Barb gave us this amazing family portrait. Thank you so much! It was exactly what I needed this week. A sweet reminder that we are still a family and even as we struggle to have more children and Lila wont always be with us I will always be a mom.