Saturday, December 27, 2014

Last Christmas

My sweet girl last Christmas. She was sick and not feeling well, she somehow mustered up enough energy to smile while opening her gift, an ipad holder so that she could watch her shows. With it we discovered her love of elmo and sesame street.  I can't believe that this was just last year, that it really was our last Christmas. It was so rushed as we were moving out of our house the very next day, but at least she knew that she was loved. She felt joy on that day and for that I am grateful 

Lila's ornaments

Thanks you to everyone who brought lila an ornament. It was so fun to see new ones on her tree. We will do this every year so I hope it becomes a fun tradition for you and your family.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Merry Christmas

Christmas 2014

This Christmas was so hard. I knew it would be. I wanted my whole family together. How could it ever feel like Christmas without Lila?! My present for the past four three years had been that she was still with me. Now that she wasn't is just wasn't Christmas. I miss my little family all together. I miss what that complete feeling was. I know that Lila was having the most amazing celebration of the birth of Christ, I can't even fathom the beauty, but for me it was incredibly painful. This little girl brought so much light, so much joy. She was intensely missed. 

Ruby was far to excited for Christmas to stop for a picture. 

Sienna and Ruby, these two were hilarious. They wanted to be friends but its just so hard when the other person is always playing with something that you want.

It was a white Christmas! I am so glad. There was no snow until late Christmas eve. It was pretty magical 

Ruby was fascinated by her great grandmother 

Visiting our sweet angel 

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Sub for Santa

When Quinn and I were in grief counseling one of the couples talked about how they did a Sub for Santa for a little girl their daughters age to help during the holiday season. They just couldn't stand the idea of not buying their little girl presents and thought this would help. When I mentioned this to my friend Jill she found us a sweet 4 year old to do and Sub for Santa for. She had a twin brother and Jill decided to do his part. It was very hard to shop for a 4 year old. I picked out a pink coat in size four t and imagined my lila in it. We also got her a Sleeping Beauty doll in Lila's honor, along with some other goodies. We dropped them off tonight then went and got some hot chocolate.  I was grateful for this opportunity even though it was tough. While getting hot chocolate I got a little teary watching Maclaren  (our sweet almost four year old neighbor) try and get Ruby to look at the camera. This could have been a scene from my life! If only vici  was never in the cards for us lila would be posing and playing with ruby. The plan is hard to understand.
I hope a little girl wakes up on Christmas morning full of joy from our gifts.

Meeting Santa

Might have been a bit traumatic

Monday, December 22, 2014

Sleep my angel

I found this picture of Lila on my phone. I was again taken aback by her beauty. She was such a stunning little girl. Absolutely gorgeous. This picture was taken when she slept in my room one night when she was ill. It was just a regular day nothing special and yet I would give anything in the world to have that ordinary night again. To see her little chest rise and fall with breath. To smell her sweet scent and watch the shadows on her cheeks from her long lashes. I knew our time was short but I never thought it would end when it did. How I ache. My arms are desperate to hold this small body and my fingers itch to comb through her hair. I would do anything to hear that laugh and see those eyes search for mine. She is my baby. I should be tucking her in and whispering her stories about santa and magic not bringing ornaments to her grave.  This hole in my chest is not leaving, nor I fear will it ever. I have to learn how to live with it, how to live without her. I'm not sure how I can. 

I watch you as you're sleeping
so quietly you lay
and think of how I love you 
more than words can say

I gently brush the hair 
from your little face
and quietly say a prayer
thanking God for you today

As I tuck you in 
sure to cover your tiny toes
I blink back a tear or two
and kiss you little nose

Quietly I whisper in your ear 
goodnight my little one,
you're so precious and so dear
I love you bigger than the sun

Author unknown

Christmas Sunday

Trying to get Ruby to pose for a Christmas sunday photo was quite the challenge.

I cant help but compare this year to last. How we still had this amazing girl in our lives. 
This was Christmas Sunday last year. 

My precious angel 

Wow, what a difference a year makes

Saving grace

This holiday season has been very hard for me. I miss Lila with such intensity. She was such a huge part of me I feel lost without her.  Most days you will find me crying. Thankfully Ruby does not give me much time. something that I have come to find out is a blessing. From toppling over the Christmas tree, to running wild all over our house, she doesn't give me much time to wallow.

Saturday, December 20, 2014


Tonight was the luminary celebration at the cemetery. I had seen signs for it while visiting lila but I didn't know what it was. It was incredible. Thousands  of luminaries were placed all over the cemetery. One for every headstone. It was breathtaking. A beautiful peaceful sea of lights.
It reminded me of lila's viewing when we came home so broken to find our friends setting up hundreds of luminaries along our street. That was one of the most amazing acts of kindness we have ever received.
Quinn and I held each other and sobbed tonight. Hoping our little girl was seeing the beautiful lights

Primary Children's Hospital

I went to take Lila's doctor's little Christmas gifts at primary childrens. It was the first time that I had been back. It was very hard to walk through those halls. We had so many memories there. So much heartbreak and yet so much joy because Lila went with us. It was hard to imagine that we had spent so much time there. The ache that I had for her was so intense at that moment. As we were walking out Ruby and I noticed a gingerbread temple from the Festival of Trees. (We loved the Festival of Trees and unfortunately didn't do a tree for lila this year because I was out of town but we are planning it for next year.)  seeing the gingerbread house was a good reminder that my family is forever. That this time away from Lila is very short. Soon she will be in my arms once again.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014


I think there are moments in this life when you realize an aware heavenly father is looking out for you. When we moved into this new neighborhood right before (Two weeks) Lila passed it was hard to not be in her space, to have her old bedroom and to sit in her sweet little spot where she always was. We started to panic that we weren't home. But I think that Lila knew that we were supposed to be in this house. She waited until we got in before she left us. I always said that I could never move from the house that she passed away in. I think she hung in until we were here. What made being here in this house so much easier was my next door neighbor Jill. I met her when we looked at the house. I knocked on her door and asked her if she liked the neighborhood. I instantly liked her and even though we looked at other houses I kept coming back  to this house because of the cute neighbor.  she really has been such an angel. There has yet to be the 26th of the month that has passed without her acknowledging it in some way. She doesn't get scared to talk to me about Lila.  And it is so nice to talk about my girl. She has been the friendly face in the neighborhood that made us feel that this could be home. When I mentioned to her that one of our couples in grief counseling said that what help them through the first Christmas was doing a sub for Santa for a little girl their daughters age Jill made sure to find us little 4 year old girl in need. we will go and get her a Christmas, in honor of Lila. I'm grateful for the tender mercies that Heavenly Father has given me. I know that I could not function without the love and support of family and friends. The acts of service that we have received are incredibly touching. But tonight I am very grateful for my sweet next door neighbor who jumped right in in my hour of need and took care of me.

Finally cuddly

Ruby hasn't been a cuddly child. it has been hard for me to not have those cuddles. Sweet Lila bear gave me so many wonderful moments of snuggle time that I was really missing it. But lately miss rue has been a bit of a cuddle bug. I love it so much. When I'm cuddling her it helps my heart

Monday, December 15, 2014


We have asked friends and family to leave lila an ornament at the cemetery. I have lived seeing the new ornaments  when I go visit her. I think she would love them.