Monday, January 26, 2015

Nine months

Its been 9 months since this little lady left my house. I miss her so much. This picture was taken from the movie that David Perry did for our family. I remember him saying that when he came into our house it felt like he was walking to the temple. I miss that spirit in our home.
My dearest friend Jill left me a present this morning, as she does every 26 of the month. It was a beautiful book called you are the mother of all mothers. A message of hope for the grieving heart by Angela Miller. I was sobbing as I realize that these are the words that my heart has been trying to articulate for the past 9 months. It is so beautiful I have to share, I think it would help anyone who has lost someone close to them. 

I have to tell you this. You did not fail. Not even a little. You are not a horrible mother. You didn't choose this. You didn't want this to happen. You didn't do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming no, no, no, no, no. God didn't do this to punish you, smite you, or to teach you a lesson. That is not God's Way. You could not have prevented this if you had tried harder, prayed harder, or were a "better" person. Nor if you ate better, loved harder, yoga- ed more, did X, Y, or the to the nth degree - fill in the blank with any other lie you're mind devises. You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can. No, there is nothing more you could have done. You did everything you possibly could have. And you are the best mother there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath instead. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute together. This is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother. So wash your hands of any naysayers, betrayers, or those who sprinted in the other direction when you needed them most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn't do. Anyone whose words or looks have implied this was somehow your fault. This was not your fault. This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it it was. Especially if that someone happens to be you. Sometimes its not what others are saying that keeps you shackled in shame. Sometimes you adopt others misguided opinions and assumptions. Sometimes it's your own inner voice that shoves you into the darkest corner of despair, like an abuser, telling you over and over and over again you failed as a mother. Convincing you if only this and what if that, it never would have happened. Seeing you coulda, shoulda done this or that so your child would not have died. That is a lie of the sickest kind. Do not believe it, not even for a second. Do not let it sink into your bones. Do not let it smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours. Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself: you are the best damn mother in the entire world. No one else could do what you do. No one else could ever mother your child as well as you can, as well as you are. No one else could let your child's  love and light shine through the way that you do. No one else could mother your dead child as bravely. No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously. It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is. There is no one, no one, no one who could ever, ever replace you. No one. You were chosen to be your child's mother. Yes - chosen. And no one could parent your child better in life or in death than you do. You have within you a secret strength. You are the mother of all mothers. So breathe, mama, keep breathing. Believe, mama, keep believing. Site, mama, keep fighting for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart - you didn't fail. Not even a little. For whatever it's worth, I see you. I hear your guttural sobs. I feel you ache deep inside my bone. And it doesn't make me uncomfortable to put my fingers as a makeshift Band - Aid over the gaping hole in your heart until the scabs come, if and when they do. It takes invincible strength to mother a child you can no longer hold, see, touch, or hear. You are a superhero mama. I see you fall down and get up, fall down and get up, over and over again. I noticed the grit and guts it takes to pry yourself out of bed every single day and force your bloodied to feet to stand up and keep walking. I see you walking this path of life you've been given, where every breath and step apart from your child is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battle ground. A fight for your own survival. A fight to quiet the insidious lies. But the truth is, you haven't failed at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite. You are the mother of all mothers. Truly, the most inspiring, courageous, loving mother there is - a warrior mama through and through. For even in death, you lovingly mother your precious child still.

This amazing book by Angela Miller. Spoke to me. Told me things about myself I was too scared to say out loud. It's beautiful. I am grateful for it on this hard day


Ruby looks so cute for church on Sunday. Its always mixed feelings when I see her in Lila's old clothes. It's so nice to see them running around and moving but at the same time it just makes me miss her

Friday, January 23, 2015

This face!

Ruby was watching daddy clean his ears with a q - tip. Turn around for a second and she has a q-tip head sticking out of her ear. Have to be quick with this little lady

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Lila lane

Around the holidays my sister in law Ashly's brother Skyler came to visit us. We didn't know what was going on when he started to roll out some street design plans. He's a developer for ivory homes and said that one aspect of his job is to name new streets of developing neighborhoods. He said that a new little neighborhood was going in  just walking distance from our home. He said it was going to be beautiful and that he couldn't think of a better name than lila lane. Our sweet little girl will have a street named after her. How wonderful. We were so very touched.

Happy birthday Kelli

Happy fortieth birthday to my sweet sister.  I love you so much. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful and caring sister.
I had a surprise party for Kelli with some of her friends. It was so fun that i actually pulled off a complete surprise. I do feel bad because the only way I thought of getting her to my house without her suspecting was to tell her that I was having a really hard time and that I needed my sister. Of course she came out to comfort me but instead found a party waiting. We had a fun time and got to celebrate this wonderful girl.
Happy birthday kel

Monday, January 12, 2015


Here we go again. Ivf. Just the thought makes me teary. Please pray for us. I know it seems so soon to start this process and I am having a really hard time with it. But we know that there is only a 30 percent chance of this round working and if we ever want Ruby to have a sibling (on this Earth) than we will have to start saving our pennies big time. You see we have one embryo left from  her round, one frozen little guy and we are hoping that this takes. If it does it will be about ten times cheaper. 
A friend was asking me how I felt about doing IVF. I think the best way to describe it is that I feel like a boxer, having gone many rounds in the ring, I am bloodied and broken and quite ready to throw in the towel and yet we are about to go another round. I fear that I may be knocked down again. But I hope that we have the courage to get back up and fight. 
Here's to miracles .


I want to remember all the funny little things. This blog has helped with that. Especially tiny moments with Lila. .i want to remember some of these little Ruby moments.
- the day she refused to take off her hat
- the day she discovered canee  (candy) and  was so desperate for a candy cane that she pulled out a chair and climbed onto the cabinet to find one. Once I caught her she innocently looked up at me with a mouth full of candy and said  canee?
- how every beautiful princess we see is lila. How on Christmas morning her cousin had on pajamas that had a princess on it and Ruby immediately pointed to it and said Lila.
- how  when ruby gets frustrated she calls me honey in the same tone that I say to Quinn when I'm frustrated.
- how her little mind is starting to put together words, like yesterday when at church she looked right up at me and said "don't mommy"
-how she calls matchsticks "happy" because we use them when we sing happy birthday.
- her favorite thing to do is brush her teeth, she loves to steal mom and dads toothbrush. 
-how everything is "So Hot" even when its cold. 
-how are home is covered in ziploc baggies because the drawer that we keep them in is too low. 
-how musical she is. She constantly sings in the car. Sounds more like a yell but we might be going to juilliard. 
-the day I was sad I had to go through IVF and Ruby looked at me and said momma. I knew I would do anything for her and for her sister and for anymore to come. 

A new year

2015. A new year. I was so worried about surviving the holidays that I didn't even think about the New Year and it was surprisingly painful. (Im not sure why I am surprised anymore) A new year that Lila will never be a part of. 2014 was the last the world knew of my girl and so 2015 feels especially painful. Last year in regards of the new year I wrote. "2014. I am a little nervous to get to know you. Usually I am ready to start a new year but 2013 was wonderful. Lila is still here and my baby Ruby joined the family. But there is a nagging little thought that this could be the year that takes my girl. Lila has had so many complications the last few months that the wheels in my head have been turning. I can't imagine my life without this bright spirit in our home. And maybe I won't have to for a while, maybe 2014 will be full of joy, happiness, new beginnings and health. I hope so. " Mommy intuition? A Heavenly Father speaking caution to my heart? I'm not sure but four short months later my daughter was gone, and the world ceased to be what I thought it was. There are no words to describe the pain. The all encompassing ache.
So 2015, you are here. There is not much I can do about that. I pray that this year is full of healing. Of moments of peace. I pray that a new child my come into our home, a new spirit to love. I hope that a renewed strength to my heart is given and the passing days will lessen the sharp pain in my chest. I hope moments of clarity are abundant with communication between my soul and my daughters. I wish to continue. To put one foot in front of the other and to press forward.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Monday, January 5, 2015