2015. A new year. I was so worried about surviving the holidays that I didn't even think about the New Year and it was surprisingly painful. (Im not sure why I am surprised anymore) A new year that Lila will never be a part of. 2014 was the last the world knew of my girl and so 2015 feels especially painful. Last year in regards of the new year I wrote. "2014. I am a little nervous to get to know you. Usually I am ready to start a new year but 2013 was wonderful. Lila is still here and my baby Ruby joined the family. But there is a nagging little thought that this could be the year that takes my girl. Lila has had so many complications the last few months that the wheels in my head have been turning. I can't imagine my life without this bright spirit in our home. And maybe I won't have to for a while, maybe 2014 will be full of joy, happiness, new beginnings and health. I hope so. " Mommy intuition? A Heavenly Father speaking caution to my heart? I'm not sure but four short months later my daughter was gone, and the world ceased to be what I thought it was. There are no words to describe the pain. The all encompassing ache.
So 2015, you are here. There is not much I can do about that. I pray that this year is full of healing. Of moments of peace. I pray that a new child my come into our home, a new spirit to love. I hope that a renewed strength to my heart is given and the passing days will lessen the sharp pain in my chest. I hope moments of clarity are abundant with communication between my soul and my daughters. I wish to continue. To put one foot in front of the other and to press forward.