happy birthday little miss

dearest Lila
Happy seventh birthday my love. how have I celebrated more of your birthdays without you than with you?! For your birthdays I have decided to make them fun. Something for your siblings to look forward to, a celebration of your life. thats what I decided. Its too bad that reality doesn't always follow what we have decided. Somehow the day is still singed with the pain of sorrow.
We were in California this year with the kimball family. I know its unfair of me to ask for others to feel the same way as I do about the day, but it is painful when they don't. So your dad and I decided to take some time just with our family. We went to downtown disney, ate a delicious lunch and told Ruby that she could pick a present since you weren't here to claim yours. She picked an Elsa and Anna snow globe. As she excitedly shook the snow globe I couldn't help but feel angry and incredibly cheated. Watching the blue and white glitter sparkle around the picture of two sisters I felt that I have been so horribly robbed. Why are you not here? Why did you have vici in the first place? You should be here fighting over whose turn it is to make the glitter swirl in the newly purchased snow globe. As we walked out we stopped for cotton candy and the memory of you tasting it for the first time flooded me. In your purple sweater dress you turned your head and actually used your fingers to stuff the fluffy sugar in your mouth. I treasure every tiny moment we had.
that night we got a cake and balloons. Ruby was so excited to sing to her sister and started the song. I couldn't get half way through before crumbling into a messy pile of sobs. No way could I actually say your name. I think people are afraid of grief. Your daddy and I are becoming incredibly good at hiding it. There comes a point when you are sick of being the elephant in the room and you slide that fake and stoic mask on. But somedays the grief is too great and the mask be damned. We headed to the beach with six pink balloons and one yellow. There is healing at the beach and somehow I hear you in the crash of the waves. Your cousins let the balloons go and they all stayed together till they finally were out of our sight. Sending things into the air to you has always made me feel a little closer. Did you see them? Could you see your little brother and sister watching them till they were out of sight, calling your name and yelling Happy Birthday? Are you aware of how much we are aching? How hard it is to be left behind? Do you think of the day when you made me a mom?
My dear girl I want you to know how much you are still a vital part of our family. Ruby talks about you so much, more than any normal three year old should. She includes you in "family counting" she talks to you, she thanks you for letting her play with your toys or wear your dresses. She prays that we can see you soon and she comforts me when I am sad. Her faith inspires me. She has no doubts that you are aware of us and that we will all be together again soon.  Eddie talks about you as well. One day we decided to drive up and see the wildflowers in the mountains. we were all quiet as we looked at the truly awesome display of God's creation and then from the back I heard a tiny voice say "love you Lila" with no prompting or recent discussion of you eddie was thinking of you. He knows your face, he knows that you are "sissy". I know he knows you because I know you brought him to me in that delivery room. I have never felt anything like that before. It was like you walked through the door and stood by my side as I was preparing to push. I'll never be able to accurately describe it to anyone not in the room. But you were there. You are here. You will always be here. You my sweet girl are a part of all of our souls. We love you so very much. You are in my everyday, I see you twirl with your sister and get so incredibly silly with your brother. I talk to you when I am sad and frustrated or when a sunset is so beautiful that I have to ask if you can see it. I feel you when we are laughing or when we are outside playing and everyone is content. We have a saying that even your sister has picked up and will say when we are all enjoying each other "just missing one little girl" Just missing one perfect angel and then we could be complete. We are learning to live incomplete. The feeling of that amputation will never go away but we are learning to live, because I know you are with us. I know that you love us and my girl, my love for you is endless. It's like that huge ocean that when i sit beside it I feel you with me.  Its unimaginably deep and steadfast. I love you Lila bear. Happy birthday sweet girl

Love,
Your forever mama