Thursday, October 2, 2014


My sweet friend Cynthia asked me to go to Wiggleworms at the Murray library yesterday. She had asked me many times to go in the past with Lila. I always was a little nervous to take her with so many germs though. Her daughter Lelia is exactly the same age as my Lila. (which if I am being totally honest was really hard. It was hard when they moved in to watch Leila  grow and Lila  to stay the same. And now for Leila to be running around and Lila is not here) . We met our other friend Larissa and her Adelaide to have a fun time with the kids dancing and singing. The thing is sometimes these activities fill me with regret. I think I could've been a better mother to lila. I let my fear of her getting sick stop me from going to places like the library, or play dates. Looking back I should have taken her. I've been really struggling the past few days thinking that maybe Lila could of had a more fun life. That somehow I could've done more for her. My grief has been made worse by this regret. The last few days have been very tear filled. But as I was explaining this to a friend she said that it probably never mattered what lila was doing just that she knew she was loved. I hope and pray that Lila  knew just how much she really was loved. 

It was fun being able to finally do these "normal" things with Ruby. She really loved it

I think that the kiddos may have loved the mall food court even more than Wiggleworms. Just kidding. But they sure did love those strollers


Carolyn said...

I think there can be no question, Lila was loved. The loving way you cared for her was magnificent. You also loved her by protecting her from germs.
The fact that you are agonizing over this lets me know that you gave it your all and I have not doubt our Heavenly Father magnified your efforts.

Lena said...

Oh Kristi! You are an incredible mother! You brought Lila to so many things. She was the cutest dressed little girl I ever saw. There is no way she would ever want you to feel regret. I love you.