grief

Quinn and I joined a grief group for parents that have lost children. Its been hard and also good to listen to other parents talk about their experiences. Our children have all died from something different and Lila was the only special needs child, but it is amazing how much we are all experiencing the same difficulties. How anger, agony, depression, sadness and despair can come out of the blue and crush you. Even at six month later I keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare. Its hard because at six months we are now use to taking care of just one child and that in and of itself hurts. I am a mommy of two beautiful girls, I want to be dressing two girls, feeding two girls and playing with two. The fact that I am used to only one means that time is passing and I am getting further and further away from the time that I had with Lila. Its devastating and while Quinn and I put on a good face I am broken inside. People tell me that they think I am handling this all so well, its because my grief is too sacred to share. Even on this blog that has for so long been a source of therapy its hard for me to even describe what we are going through. So therapy has been nice. As I hysterically sob and struggle just to say Lila's name no one is shifting awkwardly and trying to come up with some comforting words, we all feel broken, there are no words of comfort. Our children are dead. We are everyone's absolute worst nightmare. But together we understand each other. We know what its like to wake up in the middle of the night and wish that we could fall asleep fast because in our dreams we are not living this horrid reality. We know how much it hurts to see a child that is the same age as ours running and enjoying life or how in the middle of a busy halloween party the sight of a child in a wheelchair can induce such violent and loud sobs that we have to hide in an alley between two buildings as to not alarm small children. This is my reality.  This is the world in which I find myself, struggling to navigate my way through and yet I know that I must. Somehow at the end of all of this is a little girl who is waiting for me. If I can just get to her, get all my family there we can be complete again.