Five months.

It's been five incredibly long months since I've held my girl. Five long torturous months. Someone once told me that when you lose your parents your called an orphan, when you lose a spouse your  a widow but when you lose a child there are no words that can describe it. It's too devastating. I miss you my girl. 

Heartsick

I miss Lila. I miss her so much I don't know how I'll be able to stand it. It's incredible how amazingly crushing grief can be. It physically hurts. I find myself shifting and constantly trying to get comfortable to no avail. I keep hoping that this pain can ease. Before she left I tried to prepare myself, how I would ache to hold her to kiss those sweet cheeks and run my fingers through her hair and yet how could I know the true agony of going without her beloved snuggles? Or how her sweet spirt that filled my home would leave a void that I couldn't fill? I try and hold ruby close, to feel for just a moment the peace that Lila would constantly give but ruby is too busy, too curious to sit still. It's amazing how I yearn for the stillness. The quiet moments that I use to wish wasn't part of our everyday lives. I thought that by having another girl it would help with the loss, that I wouldn't miss out on all things girl, but ruby is taking us on a very different journey and I'm not ready. I miss my special girl and all that she brought with her. 

Sleepover.

While Quinn was out of town I had Ben, grace and evie over for a sleepover. 

We had pizza, ice cream, pop corn, Harry potter, walks, crepes and a visit to our beloved Lila. They even babysat ruby in the morning so I could take a barre class. They are the best. We had so much fun! 

Even the animals had sleeping bags. 

Tomboy

Ruby q is a tomboy. Sigh. I try and make her girlie but to no avail. 

Putting on a headband. 

So distraught 

Taking off the headband. 

Cecret lake

We hiked up to cecret lake last week. Ruby didn't realize that you shouldn't swim in an ice cold lake and jumped right in.  You would have thought that ice cold water would have deterred her after the first dip but she was pretty mad we wouldn't let her swim. 

Letting the shoes and pants dry 

So mad that she can't go in

Baby rock climbing 

Getting dressed up

We went to a wedding downtown. I thought it might be nice to try and capture a cute family photo while we are all dressed up. Ruby didn't want to. 

ogden temple

Ruby and I went with my sister and her family to the Ogden temple open house. I was so nervous to go since we had had such an amazing experience with Lila in the Brigham city open house. I know that she had seen angels there. The temple was beautiful and in between trying to wrangle Ruby I was overcome by the knowledge that I would be with Lila again. It seemed like the temple had a large number of paintings with children and Jesus. Everywhere I looked there was Lila. When we got to the Celestial room I was really struggling. I was sobbing and trying to hold it together enough to not be distracting to the other temple patrons.  Ruby who really had been a bit of a stink was quiet in my arms and kept saying "lights" over and over while pointing to the beautiful crystal chandeliers.  Then the sweetest thing happened. She grabbed my face and kissed me. A big, slobbery open mouth kiss. This is pretty big for Ruby. She is not a cuddly kid and very very stingy with her kisses. I kept crying and when i thought Ruby was done I pulled away only to be grabbed again and kissed. After we left the celestial room she was back to yelling, climbing and running, but for that brief moment she was the biggest comfort. I wonder if her sister told her to kiss me. A treasured memory.

State fair

State fair time!

That smile says it all

Ruby rode the big slide

I saw these sweet bracelets and had to get them in honor of the little lady. It broke my heart when they lady selling them told me to tell Lila to make a wish when she put hers on. I guess we will just have to make a wish in her honor. Love you Lila 

Evies baptism.

Our sweet niece evie was baptized last week. What a sweetheart. We sure do love her. 

Girls time

A few months ago my high school ladies and I headed up to park city. It was good to have some time out with the girls. 

Lyndsay, Alexis, lindsey, Michelle and lindsey,  Brynn (not pictured) 

Random summer pics

Catching up on summer pictures. 

Ruby and I headed to st George with my mom and sister and her kids. ( a few months ago ) 

It was so hard not taking Lila along. We had had so many wonderful memories with her in st George. 

The belagio  gardens have always been special to me. They always remind me Of my lady. 

 Those dimples!

 Lots of trips to the zoo this summer 

I did something a little mean. I pierced rue's ears.  She looks so cute but she hated beig held down to get it done. I felt pretty awful. She does match her cousin evie who got hers pierced as well. 

Running though sprinklers. 

Cute Ben. He is so good to her cousin 

Lots of cousin time 

Chasing the ducks at the park 

 The cutest ruffle bum 

Loving our treats 

Visiting our sweet sweet sister 

 Zoo with friends. LaRisse and Adalaide 

Giraffe watching.