I miss Lila. I miss her so much I don't know how I'll be able to stand it. It's incredible how amazingly crushing grief can be. It physically hurts. I find myself shifting and constantly trying to get comfortable to no avail. I keep hoping that this pain can ease. Before she left I tried to prepare myself, how I would ache to hold her to kiss those sweet cheeks and run my fingers through her hair and yet how could I know the true agony of going without her beloved snuggles? Or how her sweet spirt that filled my home would leave a void that I couldn't fill? I try and hold ruby close, to feel for just a moment the peace that Lila would constantly give but ruby is too busy, too curious to sit still. It's amazing how I yearn for the stillness. The quiet moments that I use to wish wasn't part of our everyday lives. I thought that by having another girl it would help with the loss, that I wouldn't miss out on all things girl, but ruby is taking us on a very different journey and I'm not ready. I miss my special girl and all that she brought with her.