Tuesday, February 17, 2015

I'm feeling a bit down. I'm sure that it is because I have had far too much time to sit and think about the future. Thoughts on the future have never been my favorite. No wonder smart poets and artists plead with us to live in the now and be present in the day. Its a much more manageable place to be. 
So here I find myself once again waiting. Waiting for news that might just change our lives forever or make me impossibly sad. I thought I was prepared. I have been used to bad news, and nothing will ever come close to losing Lila, so why does it feel like four years ago waiting for the doctors to call and give me that news that confirms once again that we are headed into the storm? I forgot how much I hate IVF. How could anyone forget it? I forgot how much I hate the waiting, the shots, the hormones, the wondering if I am somehow doing something that will inadvertently thwart my chances of having this embryo turn into a child.  Everything about it is pretty awful and yet my miracle girl Ruby came out of this dreadful process how can I not feel anything but gratitude for the chance? I asked Quinn if he could meet for lunch today. I needed my best friend. As we sat at Chipotle and I cried across the table my partner looked at me, not with annoyance, but with deep compassion. We have been through so much. I felt like we both looked like very weary battered souls, bone tired and weak, but then Quinn strengthened me. As he so eloquently pointed out, we have done it before, worse for that matter and we would continue to fight for our family.  No matter the test results in a week we wont stop trying to figure out how to give Ruby a living sibling, someone that she can go through life with. Who will love her and who can commiserate just how crazy their parents are. It will be hard. The financial challenge alone makes me a bit ill, but I know that it is what is best for our family. 


nikki said...

Thinking about the future can be so discouraging, especially when things haven't gone as planned. I think Quinn is right though, those little spirits are going to find your home one way or another. Your family has beaten the odds in the past and I'm praying you will do it again next week. Sending love

Carolyn said...

You are in my prayers. I truly know you are being watched over.