happy 6th birthday my angel

Dearest Lila.
Happy Sixth birthday. What a little lady you must be. I hope in Heaven that they mark the day in some way. This day will forever be one of my favorites. I remember being so worried that you wouldn't make it. I just had this feeling during labor that something was not right, and so I begged and pleaded that I could keep you at least a year. I was blessed three times over. Three birthdays and almost four years were given to me. That beautiful day when this gorgeous, tiny,  white haired girl was placed on my chest and I knew my life would never be the same. Somehow it was just beginning.
Six. my dear girl, we have had just as many birthdays without you now as we were blessed to have with you. How did that happen? Every birthday with you was so treasured, such an event, how in the world could this day go by and you are not here to celebrate with us? I always hope that you will come see me on these hard days, I still hope someday you will. I wish I could just catch a glimpse of you. See you standing tall with your slightly crooked grin and your long blonde hair (daddy says he thinks you will boycott braids in heaven since you had so many here) trailing behind you as you skip and run. I always picture you sitting in the most beautiful garden I have ever seen, completely and incandescently happy. Oh just a glimpse would ease this broken hearted mama.
I took Eddie to Dr. Wirkus's for a check up today. It was odd sitting there in a place where you were constantly, speaking about Eddie as if all was well and right with the world. It is so bizarre  my love to now be on the "normal" path. To take children just in for check ups and not life threatening ailments. I think of your suffering and I am glad you are no longer in that state but selfishly I would wish you back to me. I am glad it is not up to me because I never could have let you go my darling. I would have spent every moment at that doctors office discussing new medications and treatments if it meant that I could have you by my side.
This year we have really tried to live for you. We have stayed active, we have swam, cuddled laughed till there was no more breath in our lungs and tried new activities and adventures. We have tried to live for you my girl. I actively think of ways I can honor you and make you proud. Certainly it is not easy. I would much rather stay in bed and cry the day away, but as your daddy has always said, there is living yet to do. If only it didn't seem so long till I got to hold you in my arms again than living might not seem so hard to do.
I miss everything about you. I miss your sweet smell, the weight of your body in my arms, your blue eyes watching me from under your lashes. I miss the presence that would permeated the home and the peace you brought. A part of me is still so lost without you. I am trying to figure out just who I am and what kind of mother I am now. I wish you were still here so that you could help me become more refined, but maybe only your absence could do what God needed. Maybe my intense longing for you was the only thing that could make me stretch, grow and really seek to find just what I truly believed in and what I stood for.
I love you so much Lila. I hope you know that you will never be forgotten, not for one moment of one day. You are always with me. I feel you with me as I take care of your brother and sister, I feel you when I am quiet, when the waves of the ocean are crashing and spreading across the beach, in a beautiful sunset, or in my newly blossomed dahlias in the garden that has become such a therapy for me. I feel you during a thunderstorm or watching your sister twirl in your dress at disneyland. I feel you during the twilight hours of a summer night, that magical moment that feels like childhood again. I feel you when Ruby spontaneously looks at me and says "I love you mom" or when Eddie lays his white haired head on my chest and softly breathes. You are everywhere my dear dear girl. How I ache for you but I know you are with me. Until we meet again my sweet.
love
your mama