just what I needed

This is the dreaded week. The anniversary of Lila's death is tomorrow and I can feel that horrible grief monster that I usually keep chained away escaping and rising to the surface, scraping and tearing away at my heart. Tonight as I was putting Ruby to bed I told her that tomorrow I will be really sad. That lila left us on that day two years ago and that I really miss her. I started to cry and put my head down so I wouldn't scare her. I felt her little arms go around my neck and then her hands found my face and pushed my chin up so that I would look at her. She said "oh, mommy its gonna be ok." Then she hugged me and I felt like she was holding me up. " I miss lila too, mommy" These moments, they are perfect.

Friends

My friends wanted to walk through the tulip festival in honor or Lila but the weather was not cooperating. Instead we went to dinner at the garden downtown and looked at the gorgeous tulips from under the Joseph smith memorial awnings

My cute little date. 

This kid.

Obviously this kid needs some sleep! 

Yesterday we were at our wits end with this one not sleeping. We tried crying it out, rocking, and car rides. He Didn't want to sleep. I think with all my effort he maybe slept forty minutes all day. That included a friend dinner where lyndsay help him the entire time. Yet this was him at 930 at night. Ugh. At least he is happy 

Potty training

Yep, it's that time. Ruby is such s big girl and kinda rocked potty training. I was nervous but she did awesome. This girl is always full of suprises. I thought she would be stubborn but she did amazing. 

Her favorite present was her lip stuff. I think she applied it for six straight hours. Literally 

Eddie

Dearest Eddie,

I cannot believe you are six months old. Time is flying and you are becoming a little boy, and not my baby,  more each day. What a joy it has been to be your mama. You are so happy. You smile so easily, quite a nice little change from your sisters who both made me work for it. You watch me constantly and as soon as we make eye contact that big two tooth smile spreads across your entire face. You are so wonderfully chunky and people comment on your chub and your beautiful blue eyes wherever we go; to which you usually respond with the cutest little flirty smile. You adore your sister and watch her whenever she is by you. I am happy to say that she is starting to like you back and that she is concerned when you are sad and likes to make you laugh, although she still doesn't like you to eat her clothes which you love to do. I just pray that you two will be the best of friends and partners in crime. I can only imagine what kind of trouble you two are going to get yourselves into. 

You love to roll over. You can roll from your back to your front but can't get back which makes you so frustrated. You love your little bouncy saucer and thank goodness you do because the rest of the time you love to be held, and your sweet twenty pounds can get quite heavy. You're not a fan of sleep but at the same time you keep your sweet little happy disposition even after hours of no rest. You wont take a bottle and you don't love baby food so you are attached to mama and to be honest I haven't really pushed for you to be away from me. I am loving every moment of your infancy. You are starting to laugh and its just music to my ears. I love when you really get going. Your favorite game is peek a boo but you also find your sister jumping on the couch hysterical. 

I am so grateful for you Eddie. You have made me calm down and relax a bit. After lila was born I knew I needed another child before she left us, then we were blessed with Ruby and my worried heart was eased a bit but still worried that she might be an only child. After Lila passed I fretted what would happen to our family, how would Ruby cope with being an only child. How would we be able to adjust? Would we ever feel like a family again and not just a couple with a child?  Now that you are here its the first time in six years that I can finally truly relax. I am so happy that we have three beautiful children, but that two of you will be able to help each other through life. I don't know if we will be blessed with another child but I know that with your birth I have felt more blessed and healed than I ever have before. That hole that your sister left will never go away but I am grateful that you have made my heart expand yet again, I never knew it could hold so much love. 

We love you so much Eddie. Thank you for the past six wonderful months. I cannot wait to see who you become. 

love

mama 

Six months

Happy Eddie

Eddie is such a happy boy. Despite the fact that he NEVER sleeps. Honestly, this six month old of mine takes no naps. Ever. It's bizzar and frankly a little exhausting. Thankfully it doesn't seem to change that fact that he loves life. 

My chunky boy