a letter to my Ruby on her birthday

Dear Ruby,
My dearest little girl. Happy first birthday!! I cannot believe you are one. It feels like yesterday that I was holding you in my arms for the very first time. You brought me unbelievable joy that day and every day since. You are a gift.
My girl, was there ever a baby more wanted than you? I can't imagine if there could be. We prayed for you, spent hundreds of hours plotting on how to get you here, went to adoption classes and fertility clinics all in the pursuit of you. We dreamt of you and worried that maybe we wouldn't be blessed with you on this Earth. Can you imagine our delight when we found out you were growing inside my belly?! It was like a fairytale and I struggled everyday with my doubts that it was just too good to be true. We were so thrilled when we went to the ultrasound and you looked healthy and well. We were excited to find out you were a little girl and knew that we would call you Ruby Quinn, named after my two favorite people up to that point, your big sister and your daddy.  I was so excited and anxious for you but I was never prepared for this amazing and spunky little personality that was about to enter our lives. You entered the world yelling my name, mamamama. And you have had my heart ever since.
Ruby you are hilarious. You have a wonderful little spirit. You are adventurous and very sure of yourself. You are independent yet you love to have me by your side. You love to make everyone laugh and you simply cannot help yourself when it comes to dancing, any little tune will make you start to bob up and down. You love the water and adored the ocean. You eat anything you can get your hands on and thankfully have not taken after your picky parents because you try everything. You love to jabber and even have a handful of words in your vocabulary. Mama, dada, Lila, hi, bye bye, night, yes, no and eyes. You love to walk, you are not the type of kid to quietly sit and play with toys. You love to be in constant motion and will just walk all over the house and furniture. I get lots of comments of, wow that kid is so active! when we leave the house. You love dirt and sticks and will prefer them over any toys. You love to tease. You tease cubbie constantly making her so frustrated but you love her and will try and give her open mouth kisses any moment that you can. Your kisses are not freely given and yet with cubbie you are always more than willing. You love to be thrown in the air. The higher the better. And you absolutely hate the car. You have a stuffed dog that you sleep with that dad named Luda and I changed to LuLu we will have to see which one you choose. But you cuddle it close and its the cutest thing I have ever seen. You love to wrestle and will jump onto us constantly.  You have the two cutest dimples and I love it when you smile big because they get so deep. You are so funny.
Ruby you have been my saving grace this year. For eight wonderful months of your life our little family was complete but then your big sister passed away and I thought I might die of sadness, if it wasn't for you I don't know if I would have made it through. You saved me. You didn't give me much time to sit and cry and you made me smile and laugh when I thought it was physically impossible for me to do so. You somehow kept my heart from shattering into a million tiny pieces unable to function anymore. I knew that I needed you before Lila passed bur I had no idea just how much. Thank you my girl. Thank you for saving me, for showing me that there is still a life to be lived and that there is still beauty in it.
Ruby, what a perfect name, not just for Lila's birthstone but for it's meaning, precious gem. That is what you are. A beautiful and precious little gem. You are a miracle and a gift and we are so incredibly lucky to have you in our family. Thank you for coming to us for letting us delight in your spirit. I cannot wait to watch you grow and become a beautiful young woman. I know that you are destined for great and wonderful things and I am just so elated to be your mother.
I love you so much baby girl.

love,
Your adoring mother.

Visiting an angel

I haven't missed a day visiting Lila at the cemetery since her death, if I was out of town Quinn would. So it was hard to go on vacation knowing both of us wouldn't see her for a week. I asked friends and family to take turns going to see her. It really warned my heart getting text messages of her throughout the week. Thanks to all who went and saw her. 

California dreaming.

We headed to California with the Thomson family. 

Ruby's first trip to the ocean. 

She loved it! She just kept playing and walking in the surf. 

Little miss was never far from my thoughts. 

Stay puff marshmallow baby 

The cousins!!! We love pending time with our amazing cousins!!! 

We headed to the San Diego zoo. 

I couldn't wait to get to the giraffes. I feel Lila when I watch them. 

There were two babies!! Sisters perhaps? 

We loved swimming. 

Ruby needed her big sister on the long drive. 

The fourth.

I realized I had never posted the fourth of July pictures. 

It was our first big holiday without the little lady and it was truly excruciating without her with me but we tried to make the best if things and do some really fun activities. We went up to park city with my family and watched the parade. Then we swam, had a pie eating contest, BBQ 'ed, made s'mores and watched foreworks. It was the all American day. 

Trying to get a better look at the floats 

Lila wore this on her grits fourth as well 

My sweet husband. I was having a hard time on the fourth. Missing my girl and all and Quinn decided he had to do something to make me laugh. He sneaked out of the hotel and then texted us to look at the crazy dancers across the street. He was in the very middle dancing like a mad man. It was pretty darn funny and made me laugh. What a sweetie. 

S'mores!

Of course I couldn't stop dreaming of my Lila and the time we spent doing all the same fun activities. Here she is on her first fourth. I miss you love.