Six months (almost)

twenty three weeks and a few days....
I realized that last pregnancy  I took a bump shot each month and I have been slacking in this pregnancy. (Probably, if I am being honest, because I am a bit chubbier this time around) But I do want little Peanut to see her growing in me. This is proof little one that you are in my tummy!!
 You are stressing me out little girl. I just got a huge cold soar and I haven't had one of those since my divorce. geez! You go all day without giving me a kick and I start to think maybe I should be calling my doctor,  but I do think you are moving because when I listen to you on the doppler your heartbeat will be loud, then soft, then not there, then loud again. I think you are moving but I wish you would be more obtrusive. Crack a rib or two!
 love you girlie. Glad you are in my tummy!

Tulip festival

Every time we go to the tulip festival I start asking Quinn what he thinks heaven is like. Its so beautiful there that I think heaven must a little like it. I talk to him about how old Lila will be when I see her again. If I will have to wait to see her or if she will be anxiously waiting for me. Will she know Im coming? It's a wonderful and very sad conversation. It makes me so happy to think of her jumping in the water and running though the tulips, but the thought of her not with me makes my heart start to ache.

Isn't my hubby kinda gorgeous? just sayin....

fear

Its a funny thing how fear motivates us. The fear of not being a mother for a time pushed me into IVF and a pure desperation to adding to our family before Lila had to leave us. Now its fear that is making me question every movement of Peanut and reading every article of what can go wrong. I have become completely and utterly obsessed with the thought that this child will have severe disabilities as well and its a thought that is at times way too much for me to handle. Quinn has received one too many phone calls at work with new theories as to what is happening inside my belly. What a great husband to listen to each one and then calmly try to dismiss my fears. And he's not the only one getting the wrath. My mom and sister are bombarded with stories that I have heard that had tragic conclusions or have to endure the million "what ifs" that pop through my head each day. Even my doctor got an earful. I was having a check up and asked if Peanuts movement patterns were normal, He said he was sure they were to which I suddenly broke out in hysterical sobs. The really ugly kind. In between sobs I said, But thats what you said last time. This strong sense of deja vu is pushing me down the rabbits hole and I am frightened that I will look back and miss any of the joy that was Peanuts pregnancy. Its such a miracle to even be pregnant, I wish I could just focus on that. It is just all so similar. The same time of year, the same gender, the same reassurances by doctors and ultrasound techs that everything looks blissfully normal. I am just waiting for the bottom to fall out. I wonder if this foreboding feeling is mothers intuition or if I am just having a little post traumatic stress. My wise mother reminded me that I was a bit of a walking zombie on my wedding day because it too was a bit deja vu and I can not think of a better blessing than being married to Quinn.
As I have discussed my fears to different moms I keep getting, "well, you would love her no matter what!" of course I would. Loving this child is not what I am nervous for. Loving Lila has been the easiest and most natural thing I have ever done. I worry that the loss of all the "normal" mommy day to day will be so incredibly tragic. I dream of little sticky fingers and lips giving me hugs an kisses and calling me mom.
But I  know that whatever happens Lila will get to have a sister and that makes me so happy. As one special needs mom told me, Heavenly Father will send your family exactly who you need next. And so I am trying. I am trying to invision a more typical life. Full of toys, screaming, tantrums, running and hopefully lots and lots of laughter. I can't wait for Lila to have a playmate lay on the floor with her and show her toys. I can't wait for a little girl to twirl and dance and give me loves. If that is not the case I know that there will still be love in this home. There will still be moments of joy and intense happiness, and hopefully lots of laughter.

girls night out.

Ladies night while the boys were at priesthood.

stolen spring break pis

Growing

Tonight Quinn parked too close to the snowblower in the garage and I couldn't squeeze my growing pregnant belly out. Instead of helping me out Quinn grabbed his camera. It was pretty funny.
Your growing little peanut.

Feeling peanut

Hey peanut your daddy felt you kick him for the first time last night. You've been getting stronger. It's so exciting

Spring break

We tagged along on The listons spring break. We had such a fun time in the sun. Playing with cousins is such a treat! Lila loves to have them around and they are so good to her. They even babysat her while we went to a movie! (Lila napped the whole time) How blessed we are.

Of course we had to go to the Bellagio gardens. It was tulip season. How funny that this place in the middle of the city of sin has become somewhat of a spiritual place for me.

Caught a small smile

I rented a doppler on line to hear Peanuts heart beat. It came while I was away and I got this picture from Quinn with the caption "I have concluded that Cubbie is not pregnant" He cracks me up

Ash, Calder and Sienna came down a few days in. It was so fun to have them along this time. (I didn't catch a pic of Calder, he doesn't love to sit for pics. I will have to steal some soon)
Do you love the belly? Peanut is making me a bit big already. 20 weeks this week. I actually got asked if I was close to my due date while waiting at the doctors office the other day. seriously!? I said nope just halfway, They replied, oh you must get huge!!! oh well, grateful everyday for this little nudger.

Lila tried homemade whipped cream for the first time. It was very appreciated. Big smiles and a full body laugh. Hilarious.