Its a funny thing how fear motivates us. The fear of not being a mother for a time pushed me into IVF and a pure desperation to adding to our family before Lila had to leave us. Now its fear that is making me question every movement of Peanut and reading every article of what can go wrong. I have become completely and utterly obsessed with the thought that this child will have severe disabilities as well and its a thought that is at times way too much for me to handle. Quinn has received one too many phone calls at work with new theories as to what is happening inside my belly. What a great husband to listen to each one and then calmly try to dismiss my fears. And he's not the only one getting the wrath. My mom and sister are bombarded with stories that I have heard that had tragic conclusions or have to endure the million "what ifs" that pop through my head each day. Even my doctor got an earful. I was having a check up and asked if Peanuts movement patterns were normal, He said he was sure they were to which I suddenly broke out in hysterical sobs. The really ugly kind. In between sobs I said, But thats what you said last time. This strong sense of deja vu is pushing me down the rabbits hole and I am frightened that I will look back and miss any of the joy that was Peanuts pregnancy. Its such a miracle to even be pregnant, I wish I could just focus on that. It is just all so similar. The same time of year, the same gender, the same reassurances by doctors and ultrasound techs that everything looks blissfully normal. I am just waiting for the bottom to fall out. I wonder if this foreboding feeling is mothers intuition or if I am just having a little post traumatic stress. My wise mother reminded me that I was a bit of a walking zombie on my wedding day because it too was a bit deja vu and I can not think of a better blessing than being married to Quinn.
As I have discussed my fears to different moms I keep getting, "well, you would love her no matter what!" of course I would. Loving this child is not what I am nervous for. Loving Lila has been the easiest and most natural thing I have ever done. I worry that the loss of all the "normal" mommy day to day will be so incredibly tragic. I dream of little sticky fingers and lips giving me hugs an kisses and calling me mom.
But I know that whatever happens Lila will get to have a sister and that makes me so happy. As one special needs mom told me, Heavenly Father will send your family exactly who you need next. And so I am trying. I am trying to invision a more typical life. Full of toys, screaming, tantrums, running and hopefully lots and lots of laughter. I can't wait for Lila to have a playmate lay on the floor with her and show her toys. I can't wait for a little girl to twirl and dance and give me loves. If that is not the case I know that there will still be love in this home. There will still be moments of joy and intense happiness, and hopefully lots of laughter.