Monday, April 22, 2013


Its a funny thing how fear motivates us. The fear of not being a mother for a time pushed me into IVF and a pure desperation to adding to our family before Lila had to leave us. Now its fear that is making me question every movement of Peanut and reading every article of what can go wrong. I have become completely and utterly obsessed with the thought that this child will have severe disabilities as well and its a thought that is at times way too much for me to handle. Quinn has received one too many phone calls at work with new theories as to what is happening inside my belly. What a great husband to listen to each one and then calmly try to dismiss my fears. And he's not the only one getting the wrath. My mom and sister are bombarded with stories that I have heard that had tragic conclusions or have to endure the million "what ifs" that pop through my head each day. Even my doctor got an earful. I was having a check up and asked if Peanuts movement patterns were normal, He said he was sure they were to which I suddenly broke out in hysterical sobs. The really ugly kind. In between sobs I said, But thats what you said last time. This strong sense of deja vu is pushing me down the rabbits hole and I am frightened that I will look back and miss any of the joy that was Peanuts pregnancy. Its such a miracle to even be pregnant, I wish I could just focus on that. It is just all so similar. The same time of year, the same gender, the same reassurances by doctors and ultrasound techs that everything looks blissfully normal. I am just waiting for the bottom to fall out. I wonder if this foreboding feeling is mothers intuition or if I am just having a little post traumatic stress. My wise mother reminded me that I was a bit of a walking zombie on my wedding day because it too was a bit deja vu and I can not think of a better blessing than being married to Quinn.
As I have discussed my fears to different moms I keep getting, "well, you would love her no matter what!" of course I would. Loving this child is not what I am nervous for. Loving Lila has been the easiest and most natural thing I have ever done. I worry that the loss of all the "normal" mommy day to day will be so incredibly tragic. I dream of little sticky fingers and lips giving me hugs an kisses and calling me mom.
But I  know that whatever happens Lila will get to have a sister and that makes me so happy. As one special needs mom told me, Heavenly Father will send your family exactly who you need next. And so I am trying. I am trying to invision a more typical life. Full of toys, screaming, tantrums, running and hopefully lots and lots of laughter. I can't wait for Lila to have a playmate lay on the floor with her and show her toys. I can't wait for a little girl to twirl and dance and give me loves. If that is not the case I know that there will still be love in this home. There will still be moments of joy and intense happiness, and hopefully lots of laughter.


Kimberly Cantrell said...

Kristi, I am sure you have heard this too many times also, but drive out that fear with faith! Have you asked for a blessing recently?

I read this and it makes me just want to give you a huge hug! You are amazing :)Don't let that fear overtake you.

I know I can't fully understand what you are going through, and I won't pretend to, but I do know that faith has power, and that God has everything under control :)Live a day at a time. It's easier to handle things that way. You will make it through this.

Barb said...

I think you are amazing. You are very BRAVE! To still walk through something scary despite your fear shows great courage. The future is unknowable for us all, so we have faith. Sometimes it is easy, or non threatening, sometimes it is more than we think we can bear. But one day you will look back and realize that you did get through it!!

D said...

As someone who always jumps to the worst conclusion (I always start planning Rob's funeral and figuring which clothes of his to get rid of when he comes home a few minutes late), I know how easy it is for your fears to feel real. I know I am way over in the bleachers on this one, but I have confidence that your baby will be perfect.

Tiffy Ann said...

I can totally understand that those fears are there and so close to the surface. I would be exactly the same way. There is nothing wrong with that. The hard part is keeping it so it doesn't interfere with your everything.
I love you so much and pray for you and your adorable family. Thank you for being brave enough to let us into your life. I miss you!
I love you!

nikki said...

I completely understand. The unknown can be so scary and when past experiences have taken you down a road you never knew you would travel it makes it that much scarier.

When we were in a similar situation a little over four years ago, the words that came to my mind time and time again were "blind faith." It made me think of that quote that says something to the affect of how we sometimes have to take one step into the darkness and walk by faith.

I guess the good (and the difficult) part of it now is that it is no longer in your hands. You have done everything you could do and followed your impressions and the outcome will be wonderful. Try to enjoy it.

Hang in there!

Robbie and Margot said...

I know you are probably not looking for advice but I just want you to know that you are an amazing person. I think it is natural to feel tremendous fear. Just understand that our heavenly father works in mysterious ways and your little peanut is supposed to come now in your life and supposed to come right around the same time that Lila did. You will know why someday so for just enjoy the ride (I know, easier said than done). Also, you are one pretty pregnant mama, so excited for you,Quinn, and Lila.