after

After everyone left our home Quinn and I didn't know what to do with ourselves. How are you suppose to go about the day to day? We put Ruby in the car and just started to drive. Friends began to call and text but talking to them meant that it was actually happening and I wasn't ready to face that reality. From the back of the car we started to hear Ruby's laughter. I turned to watch as my daughter started to play peek a boo with an unseen friend. She was very engaged and hysterically laughing. Something that she never really does on her own. Then she started to talk. Lalalalalala  lililililililil lila  lila. LILA!! Ruby started to say Lila on the very day lila left us.  She continues to say Lila frequently and when I show her pictures of her she will whisper it and smile. I felt like Lila was in the car with us. Trying so hard to make her sister laugh, finally being able to really play with her. I felt like she was trying to hold my chest together as the fire from the hole in it was painfully burning.  I kept looking at Quinn hoping at any moment he would tell me somehow we had all gotten it so terribly wrong and that we were going to go pick up our baby. 

At night we held each other and tried to wrap our minds around the fact that the most amazing little girl in the entire world is no longer residing in our home. Lila made me special. She made me the caretaker of an angel. I don't know who I am anymore. I slept and continue to sleep with her soft minkie blanket. It somehow comforts me. I imagine she is in the perfect little room next to me sleeping in her miniature white rod iron bed, with her fluffy pink comforter. Sometimes this is all I can do to help me get through the day.