Grief is a funny thing. Most of the time I try so hard to keep it in check, I try not to think about what we are missing out on. If I do I tend to brake down into hard and never ceasing sobs. It's far to hard to pull myself out of the deep hole once I am in there. But since the weather is warmer we are starting to play outside again and with that means that we are spending a lot of time with our neighbors/besties the Englands next door. Their sweet Maclaren has the same coloring as Lila, and at only six months younger than her it is hard to not see what could have been. Rue loves her so much and loves to play with her, lately they have been playing with Maclarens baby dolls and with dress ups. They ask to play at each others homes and have so much fun together that Ruby tells me to go upstairs so that she can have just one and one time with Maclaren. Its so wonderful and so tender to see. I have been struggling with questions. I know that my faith promises that I will get back in the next life all that I have lost, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. How will I get back seeing my daughters grow up together? Play princesses, and tell each other secrets? How will Ruby get back laying in the grass with her sister and watching the clouds roll across the sky?! These perfect moments, I want them all. I don't understand and that makes me even more sad.
I guess till then I will have sweet substitutes in neighbors, cousins and friends. Thank heaven for those.