Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Two years

My dearest little girl,
Two years. Two years my love. How can it be so long since I have held you, since I have kissed your sweet lips and watched a smile start in your eyes and spread to your crooked mouth? How have I survived without you? How can it be? I wonder how I can still breathe without you, how I can still put one foot in front of the other and I know it is through the love of those still left behind with me on this Earth. If not for them I would be lost without you. 
The anniversary of your death always make me reflect on the time we did have, and oh how I am lucky. Your Uncle Mikey called this morning and as we sobbed together he told me just what a privilege it was to be your Uncle and how what a glorious gift I have been given to say that I am your mother. I felt pride my darling, I know one day I will tell a room full of wondrous spirits that I am your mother and they will think I am the most blessed woman. I am sure that I will have stories waiting for me of all the people you are helping and loving in heaven. They will thank me for letting you go so that you could be with them. 
The years have been so different since you have gone. We are quite ordinary. We do preschool and playdates. We go to the doctor for checkups and not for emergencies. Developmental milestones are hit on time or before, and I struggle to find things to talk to our pediatrician about. I just know there must be something that I should be concerned about. And while it is blissfully wonderful and I am so grateful for the ordinary a large chunk of special left our house when you did and I can feel its absence. A quiet nagging that something so pure, special and heavenly has left the home. I try and recapture it by telling Ruby and Eddie stories of their sister. Ruby is just starting to ask questions about you. She is concerned that you are sleeping in every picture and can't quite grasp why in the world you aren't sitting up. I fear that I will have no real answers for her since I am trying to figure it out myself. I think that is one of my biggest regrets is that your brother and sister will never really know what it was like to have you in our home. That soft and gentle spirit, you affected everyone that was around you and you never said a word. What power. 
I wish you could be for a million reasons but most of all to know your brother and sister. They are hilarious and I am so in awe of them. Ruby is a spitfire, I imagine that you and Heavenly Father conspired to send this feisty, independent, smart, precocious, tenacious, lovable, funny and sweet girl to me. I have a feeling that we will be best friends this girl you sent. She surprises me everyday and keeps me on my toes. Your brother Eddie is all squishy love. He has your eyes. Well, he has the blue not the slightly more left green eye. He has white hair as well and I see you in him. He just wants to be held all the time and I wonder if you did that so that I could be hugged all day long. Your siblings are amazing and life saving for me. I cannot wait to see you all together. When I am feeling particularly low I imagine all of us together, usually on a beach playing in the sand. I see you running with your sister and helping your baby brother. Its my happy place and I ache in a horrible new way every time I picture it but I can't help myself. 
Your dad and I miss you so much. We stay up nights talking about you, about how your siblings would be with you and how you would be with them. I wonder and fret and cry about how I could have kept you here longer. Your strong and faithful daddy always reassures me that that was never the plan.  You were only ours for a brief moment. I am grateful for your dad. He is the rock that has kept me from succumbing to the waves of grief. We truly are a blessed family to have us all. 

When your anniversary was coming up I was getting nervous that it might be forgotten from family and friends. I wasn't feeling up to having a big gathering and thought that then people wouldn't remember. People have started to bring you up less in conversation. Even some friends and family close to us have inadvertently hurt our feelings with no mention of you or acting like you never existed. Thankfully I was so wrong. I opened the curtains this morning and saw that the neighbors had tied purple ribbons all over our house. As I went out to take pictures I started to notice that they were up and down the street. Everyone had tied purple ribbons to show their love. I can't tell you the relief that washed over me and the happiness. I am so grateful that you are remembered and celebrated. 

I took you flowers from our garden Lilacs and tulips. Five tulips for each member of our family. One being white. 

It was pouring at the cemetery, just like the day that you passed.

Your Aunt Kelli suggested we go do sealings at the temple. It was incredible. I sobbed the whole time and thought of our family all together again. I cannot wait my dear. I was so glad that my friend Tiffany had asked if she could embroider a tulip on my temple dress. I couldn't help but be overwhelmed when I saw it.

Friends brought flowers, a toy giraffe and cookies to show their love. The williams even sent us a video of them doing acts of service in your honor. What really should have been a rotten day actually turned out to be full of love, support and a reminder that we will all be together again. I feel like it will never come but I know I will have you in my arms again. 
I love you so much my sweet girl. You are not forgotten. You live on in the hearts of so many. We are blessed to have had you with us for as long as we did. I cannot wait my sweet. Until we meet again. 


nikki said...

Now you have me crying. I'm glad you felt so much love and support today. I hope you also know how often we think about Lila - she will never be forgotten. We love you!

Lena said...

Kristi!!!! This post is JUST beautiful. Thank you for sharing your tender feelings and for being real about the grief and heartache. You have helped so many and you continue to help me by your bravery and your love. I love you.