California

We headed off to Newport beach California for a week with my family. At first I thought that it was the worst timing. I was so stressed with our recent IFV hurdles that I thought I wouldn't have a good time but  it turned out that this trip was just what I needed. It was so nice to get away. Quinn and I decided not to talk about the future, babies or IVF the whole time and we actually stuck to that. It was a great break from reality and all the uncertainties that are ahead for us.  We had a wonderful time enjoying our little Lila and the rest of my awesome family.

Evie

Kelli and Grace

My great siblings: Matt, Kelli and Mikey

This year we actually got a little smile from Lila when we put her in the ocean. She loves warm water but has never been a fan of the cold ocean but this year we coaxed a small grin out.

The tide pools. Many a crab were chased....

Love the Oregon crew!!!! I adore when I get to spend time with this family. Matt, Josh and Nick are so much fun. Matt loves to tease me and it has carried on with the next generation. They get a kick out of making me laugh and squirm. I love it! 

These boys are at the age where they are not too big of a fan of getting their picture taken so I am stealing some of Kelli's pics. Thanks Kel!

We took morning walks to the beach. It was so great to just listen to the surf, relax and just breathe. The ocean has a pretty great calming effect.

I LOVE this picture. She looks so peaceful.

yum.

It is such a blessing to have cousins who treat Lila like she is just another normal cousin. Lots of loves.

Look how stinkin cute! They only sale 3T toms on line but I found these little 2Ts at Jacks surf shop and frankly couldn't resist.

We went to Universal Studios one day.  A HUGE THANK YOU to my MOM who stayed with Lila while we went on rides. That was so incredibly nice of you. We had a lot of fun and Lila was the Biggest trooper!

Ready for Shrek 3D...

On the studio tour.

In line for the new transformers ride. It was pretty awesome actually.

Swimming!!!! Our favorite thing to do on the trip! Lila loved it!

Hanging out

J loves to tease Quinn as well. He would wear sports gear that would drive Quinn crazy and Josh loved it. It was pretty funny to watch.

Evie celebrated her birthday on the trip and wanted in and out and a costco cake.  I was happy with her choices. Yummy...

We got to celebrate my parents 43rd wedding anniversary. Love you guys!

Newport pier

poor little lady this was a sad moment, but as soon as I put her down she stopped. Sometimes you just need your space. Poor little miss has a mom who is a bit of a hoverer.

Walking on the beach was so heavenly and really helped to decompress and not stress. Doesn't it just look peaceful?

Lila was seriously the biggest trooper this trip. She gave Quinn and I a little gift by forgoing her usual cry period at night. Only one night did she loose it. It was a miracle!
She was so gunky in the car but never complained. We just continued to use the suction machine and she tried to be as brave as possible.  It is  a lot of work for her to be even a little bit upright so as soon as we got her home and laid her down she was out......

Thanks everyone for the wonderful time! Its hard to come back to reality and all that entails but for one week I got to escape. Thanks it was blissful.

how can you pick yourself back up?

The past two years have been unbelievably hard. To deal with Lilas diagnosis and her eventual death has been, what I thought more than I can bear. Through it all we have always looked for some silver lining, for us it was the hope that we would be able to have more children. As I told some of you we were planing on starting the IVF process this month, now I don't know it that will be a possibility or if children are even in our future. You see we were on track to do the guarantee program, a program where you are guaranteed a child or your money back. I thought our clinic was on board, we had talked about it and not once was needing to qualify or high premiums mentioned. So as we went to pay our fee yesterday we were shocked to find that it would be triple what we thought!! Turns out that after blood work I may actually have fertility problems. That reason and that we are testing embryos is accounting for the price hike.
This is more than devastating for me. How can this happen? How, on top of everything else, could I have fertility problems and actually trying for a child through scientific means be so astronomical that we may not even be able to try?!!  It seems so unfair. I feel like this is just another huge blow that I don't know if I can recover from. We have prayed and prayed for the chance to have children, I thought that it was a reasonable goal. We were so close!  Now I don't know if it will ever be realized and then what will I do?! I will feel lost if I am not a mom. Its all I have ever wanted to do.
I guess why I am sharing is to ask for all of your prayers. I am sure that some of you continue to think of us in your prayers but if you could pray for us, for my little family I would really appreciate it. My faith has been shaken, if not shattered. I am trying so hard to pick myself up after yet another blow and I am finding that this feels like the straw that broke the camels back. I feel broken.

my superhero

Little Miss is sick again. She is so "gunked" up. We had a bad night where she couldn't breathe, we used our suction machine constantly but we couldn't get her to take one easy breath. Watching your child struggle to breathe and be completely helpless is my definition of hell on Earth. It scares me for what is to come...
Anyway, this morning as I got Lila up, spent ten plus minutes sticking a tube in her nose and mouth sucking out gunk. I turned to her and said, Lila your my hero kid, that's when she gave me this huge smile. It literally was between her gasping for breaths. She is incredible. When I feel down and start to throw a pity party I remind myself to try and act more like my two year old.