Tuesday, August 14, 2012

how can you pick yourself back up?

The past two years have been unbelievably hard. To deal with Lilas diagnosis and her eventual death has been, what I thought more than I can bear. Through it all we have always looked for some silver lining, for us it was the hope that we would be able to have more children. As I told some of you we were planing on starting the IVF process this month, now I don't know it that will be a possibility or if children are even in our future. You see we were on track to do the guarantee program, a program where you are guaranteed a child or your money back. I thought our clinic was on board, we had talked about it and not once was needing to qualify or high premiums mentioned. So as we went to pay our fee yesterday we were shocked to find that it would be triple what we thought!! Turns out that after blood work I may actually have fertility problems. That reason and that we are testing embryos is accounting for the price hike.
This is more than devastating for me. How can this happen? How, on top of everything else, could I have fertility problems and actually trying for a child through scientific means be so astronomical that we may not even be able to try?!!  It seems so unfair. I feel like this is just another huge blow that I don't know if I can recover from. We have prayed and prayed for the chance to have children, I thought that it was a reasonable goal. We were so close!  Now I don't know if it will ever be realized and then what will I do?! I will feel lost if I am not a mom. Its all I have ever wanted to do.
I guess why I am sharing is to ask for all of your prayers. I am sure that some of you continue to think of us in your prayers but if you could pray for us, for my little family I would really appreciate it. My faith has been shaken, if not shattered. I am trying so hard to pick myself up after yet another blow and I am finding that this feels like the straw that broke the camels back. I feel broken.


Barb said...

Oh, I am so sorry. I will definitely keep you in my prayers, specifically that you will be able to find the path to add to your precious family. Love you.

Sandie-Matthew's Mom said...

Kristi, my heart goes out to you as I read your outpouring of emotions in regard to your desire to have another baby and your frustation with the boulders in the road, that appear to try to stop your heart's desire from happening and shake your faith.

I can relate to so many of your feelings, as I also endured for years the painful path of trying to have a baby through medical intervention and, like you, my biggest dream and heart's desire was to be a Mom. Over the years, with much disappointment, I questioned if my heart's desire would ever happen.

Always remember and believe in your heart and soul that, no matter what obstacles may try to block your path, your Heavenly Father knows what your heart's desire is and that as you put Heavenly Father first in your lives and give praise and worship to Heavenly Father, trusting always in His guidance, Heavenly Father will make a way where there appears to be no way and will open doors for you.

Always hope and believe that you will be a mother again (through the path that Heavenly Father leads you), always trust and believe that you will have another child and never stop believing in that dream, because it WILL come true!

vintageblueballoon said...

Kristi, we cannot even imagine the pain you guys have been through. Jack asked me today if I had read your latest update because he reads often, and I am shocked. We both will keep your family in our prayers.

Heidi said...

Kristi, I am sorry to hear that you have more bad news. Your family is always in my prayers. Your faith, patience, and attitude in your trials is a constant inspiration to me in my trials. I love reading your blog. I will keep praying that Heavenly Father can help you find a way to be a mother to another beautiful child.

Steve and Liz Evans said...

WE love you Kris! I'm hoping something will come from all of this.... Lets go out soon!!

Zane and Lexi said...

I'm at a loss for words. Except to tell you from my experience with trials, there is a light at the end. You and Quinn have been so amazing at finding the courage and strength to get through the day to day stuff. (more than most people experience in a lifetime). I've been so impressed with your endurance. You will find a way. You will ALWAYS be a mother and there are other lucky children just waiting to come to your loving family. Hold strong! Love you.