The past two years have been unbelievably hard. To deal with Lilas diagnosis and her eventual death has been, what I thought more than I can bear. Through it all we have always looked for some silver lining, for us it was the hope that we would be able to have more children. As I told some of you we were planing on starting the IVF process this month, now I don't know it that will be a possibility or if children are even in our future. You see we were on track to do the guarantee program, a program where you are guaranteed a child or your money back. I thought our clinic was on board, we had talked about it and not once was needing to qualify or high premiums mentioned. So as we went to pay our fee yesterday we were shocked to find that it would be triple what we thought!! Turns out that after blood work I may actually have fertility problems. That reason and that we are testing embryos is accounting for the price hike.
This is more than devastating for me. How can this happen? How, on top of everything else, could I have fertility problems and actually trying for a child through scientific means be so astronomical that we may not even be able to try?!! It seems so unfair. I feel like this is just another huge blow that I don't know if I can recover from. We have prayed and prayed for the chance to have children, I thought that it was a reasonable goal. We were so close! Now I don't know if it will ever be realized and then what will I do?! I will feel lost if I am not a mom. Its all I have ever wanted to do.
I guess why I am sharing is to ask for all of your prayers. I am sure that some of you continue to think of us in your prayers but if you could pray for us, for my little family I would really appreciate it. My faith has been shaken, if not shattered. I am trying so hard to pick myself up after yet another blow and I am finding that this feels like the straw that broke the camels back. I feel broken.