Last Christmas

My sweet girl last Christmas. She was sick and not feeling well, she somehow mustered up enough energy to smile while opening her gift, an ipad holder so that she could watch her shows. With it we discovered her love of elmo and sesame street.  I can't believe that this was just last year, that it really was our last Christmas. It was so rushed as we were moving out of our house the very next day, but at least she knew that she was loved. She felt joy on that day and for that I am grateful 

Lila's ornaments

Thanks you to everyone who brought lila an ornament. It was so fun to see new ones on her tree. We will do this every year so I hope it becomes a fun tradition for you and your family.

Merry Christmas

Christmas 2014

This Christmas was so hard. I knew it would be. I wanted my whole family together. How could it ever feel like Christmas without Lila?! My present for the past four three years had been that she was still with me. Now that she wasn't is just wasn't Christmas. I miss my little family all together. I miss what that complete feeling was. I know that Lila was having the most amazing celebration of the birth of Christ, I can't even fathom the beauty, but for me it was incredibly painful. This little girl brought so much light, so much joy. She was intensely missed. 

Ruby was far to excited for Christmas to stop for a picture. 

Sienna and Ruby, these two were hilarious. They wanted to be friends but its just so hard when the other person is always playing with something that you want.

It was a white Christmas! I am so glad. There was no snow until late Christmas eve. It was pretty magical 

Ruby was fascinated by her great grandmother 

Visiting our sweet angel 

Sub for Santa

When Quinn and I were in grief counseling one of the couples talked about how they did a Sub for Santa for a little girl their daughters age to help during the holiday season. They just couldn't stand the idea of not buying their little girl presents and thought this would help. When I mentioned this to my friend Jill she found us a sweet 4 year old to do and Sub for Santa for. She had a twin brother and Jill decided to do his part. It was very hard to shop for a 4 year old. I picked out a pink coat in size four t and imagined my lila in it. We also got her a Sleeping Beauty doll in Lila's honor, along with some other goodies. We dropped them off tonight then went and got some hot chocolate.  I was grateful for this opportunity even though it was tough. While getting hot chocolate I got a little teary watching Maclaren  (our sweet almost four year old neighbor) try and get Ruby to look at the camera. This could have been a scene from my life! If only vici  was never in the cards for us lila would be posing and playing with ruby. The plan is hard to understand.
I hope a little girl wakes up on Christmas morning full of joy from our gifts.

Meeting Santa

Might have been a bit traumatic

Sleep my angel

I found this picture of Lila on my phone. I was again taken aback by her beauty. She was such a stunning little girl. Absolutely gorgeous. This picture was taken when she slept in my room one night when she was ill. It was just a regular day nothing special and yet I would give anything in the world to have that ordinary night again. To see her little chest rise and fall with breath. To smell her sweet scent and watch the shadows on her cheeks from her long lashes. I knew our time was short but I never thought it would end when it did. How I ache. My arms are desperate to hold this small body and my fingers itch to comb through her hair. I would do anything to hear that laugh and see those eyes search for mine. She is my baby. I should be tucking her in and whispering her stories about santa and magic not bringing ornaments to her grave.  This hole in my chest is not leaving, nor I fear will it ever. I have to learn how to live with it, how to live without her. I'm not sure how I can. 

I watch you as you're sleeping

so quietly you lay

and think of how I love you 

more than words can say

I gently brush the hair 

from your little face

and quietly say a prayer

thanking God for you today

As I tuck you in 

sure to cover your tiny toes

I blink back a tear or two

and kiss you little nose

Quietly I whisper in your ear 

goodnight my little one,

you're so precious and so dear

I love you bigger than the sun

Author unknown

Christmas Sunday

Trying to get Ruby to pose for a Christmas sunday photo was quite the challenge.

I cant help but compare this year to last. How we still had this amazing girl in our lives. 

This was Christmas Sunday last year. 

My precious angel 

Wow, what a difference a year makes