I want to apologize if I haven't been the best friend lately. I know that I have really neglected friendships, I am just so consumed with all things Lila that everything else is on the back burner. Sorry if I haven't commented on blogs, it is just I am having a really hard time looking at everyone's normal healthy children. I never thought I would be one of those people who can't be happy for others but I have found that it is a little painful to see healthy kids, especially ones that are around Lila's age.
I am so sorry to Lila. I am sorry that I stress so much that I am missing out on the beautiful everyday things that you do. I hate that sometimes when I look at you I am scrutinizing your eyes and if they are moving right instead of looking at what a pretty blue they are and how they are framed by the most gorgeous eye lashes, they are so long they almost look fake. I realize that since the beginning of the eye drama I have stopped taking as many photos. These are what these photos are for. These are some of my favorite little details that I have not yet shared. I have a gorgeous baby.
I am sorry to my family. Especially to Quinn, my mom and Kelli. You guys have been so positive and have always listened to my incoherent sob fests and tried to reassure me that everything is going to work out. I really need to hear that. Thank you.
This is how I feel these days, I feel like I have a little black monster that lives next to my heart and all day it sits and just gnaws on it. It's constant and I can't seem to think about anything else. When I get good news it stops for a moment and then slowly creeps back and starts to chew again. Someday I hope he goes away.
Update: We went to the doctors to check her pressure and the left eyes pressure wasn't down but the right was up so as long as they are equalizing than thats ok. I think we are all a little disappointed that we aren't seeing more of a reaction with her contact. Her right eyes contact will be in next week, hopefully having the two of them will make a difference. The doctor did ask about her overall development, which she is pretty behind still. He suggested that we see the neurologist again, speculating that there may be more going on then we think. He thought that there could be something going on with visual cortex. That one threw me for a loop. Is this ever going to end?! I can't get anymore bad news! We made an appointment with the developmental pediatrician as well. Unfortunately it's not till December 15th. We don't know if she is just behind because she is missing her corpus callosum and she will just catch up or if there is something else going on neurologically. We just have to wait, for the next couple of years... 
(thanks Lyndsay for making this gorgeous headband for Lila)
9 comments:
She is a gorgeous little lady, for sure! You don't need to feel sorry or guilty! You are doing the exact right thing by focusing on your little girl. I just hope you can feel some peace throughout this hard journey. Loves.
Oh my sweet Kristi... I am so sad that you are so hard on yourself. All of your emotions are natural and sometimes it is hard to see the BIG picture. Lila is so lucky to have you as her mommy. No one could love her more. I have absolutely loved seeing you as a mom. You have become more beautiful then I ever imagined possible. I love you so much! What would I ever do without you? :)
You are so right about Lila's amazing eyelashes!! They are one of the first things I noticed when I saw her... they are incredible! Ditto to what Kelli and Barb said. I tried to write how I feel but it came out a lot less beautiful than their words but meaning the same thing. Love to you and Quinn. Give Lila a plethora of kisses from me... snuggling her while you guys ate was one of my favorite moments while home.
don't ever feel guilty for giving all your attention to your baby! it's hard to know before you have kids, why friends fall of the face of the earth as soon as a baby enters the picture.
I love you Kristi - hope you can feel that from far away. We are constantly praying for your little Lila and for you and Quinn! I've been getting little updates from my mom when she see's your mom @ the temple :)
You are doing a wonderful job, and Lila is a lucky lady to have you as her mother. I wish for you to transform your guilt into a sense of empowerment/confidence-so I hope that weird little guy stops gnawing on you and goes away...I don't like him! Love u
I'm so sorry things are hard right now Kristi. But what an amazing mom you are. Your first go round, and you love her and fight for her so fiercely -- I'm astounded. Hang in there.
P.S. I love love love Lila as a lady bug. I actually "ooohed" those photos. In a library.
Kris... your an amazing mom!! It was great to catch up with you the other night! Hang in there!! Love you... and by the way, that first picture is the sweetest pic I have ever seen.
WE love you Kris! I am always thinking about you guys.
Kristi-
I just wanted you to know that I love looking at all the pictures of Lila, she is absolutely gorgeous. She is lucky to have a mom and dad who love her unconditionally and are making all the best choices so that she can be the baby and the person she is supposed to be. You are an amazing person and Lila knows that, she knows that your world is her and she is better because you are her mom. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Hang in there, and know that you have family and friends who love you no matter what.
Margot
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