Lila's first Christmas was filled with a lot of mixed emotions. It was a bit overwhelming, which is how I feel 97% of the time these days. I was so grateful that we have her. No one can deny she is a very special kid. She has a way about her that is so calming, you just feel that her spirit is great. She is truly amazing.But the other part of me was in mourning for the loss of what was expected for these holidays. I kept it together till night came, sorry Quinn. This not knowing what the future holds is so painful. It physically hurts. And to go to all the Christmas parties and to see all these healthy children is so hard. It's difficult not to ask why us? why her? she is way to special for all this. Therefore it was nice to contemplate the true meaning of Christmas, for Christ and his sacrifice for us. I know that he has felt all that I am feeling, and that doesn't make me feel so alone. This experience has given me a better perspective on Heavenly Father and how difficult it must have been for him to watch his son suffer when he could have stopped it at anytime. I could not have done that. I would do anything to change Lila's situation. The thoughts of her challenges ahead make me go a little insane. Whatever happens I am comforted to know that because of our Savior Lila will be whole, in this life or the next.
I am so thankful for wonderful family, it was so nice to spend the holiday with you all. You are our rocks these days.
I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, sorry to the friends that I have not been keeping up with, I fear that you wouldn't enjoy our conversations anyway these days. I hope that everyone is grateful for what they have this holiday season. I wish you all health and happiness in the new year!
3 comments:
Kristi, this is a friend of Kacey's. We've only met a couple times. I have been following your blog but never known quite what to say. Lila is such a beautiful baby. This morning I understood your post about not wanting to read other blogs about healthy babies. I just wanted to read your blog and mourn with you. I delivered my sweet 16 week old baby girl last week. I was supposed to be about 18 weeks along but was told she had been gone for two weeks. I feel a great loss this Christmas too. All hopes and dreams I ever had for her are gone. Maybe temporarily, maybe permanently. I completely understand the feeling of the "unknown." I hate it. I know heartache and all you need is love and support sometimes. The chance of a miracle is still there for little Lila. I hope the best for her. Hug and kiss sweet Lila often.
Beautifully said. Love you!
Why didn't WE get to see Lila's cute Santa shirt?
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