Lila Patricia July 27 2010 - April 26 2014

This is the post that I have been dreading for three years. My beautiful angel has gained her wings. On Saturday April 26th Lila quietly passed away in her sleep.  It was peaceful and unexpected. That morning I had the impression to hold my baby close tell her I love her more than anything and that if this life ever got too hard or too painful she could go. Forty minutes later she closed her eyes for the last time.

Funeral services will be Saturday May 3rd at noon at the LDS chapel on 5600 south and Fashion blvd. A viewing will be held that morning at 10:30 as well as the night before from six until eight. Same location . 

Rest in peace my love.

Easter egg hunt.

Grandma patsie was kind enough to sit with Lila so we could go to grandma Robyn's Easter egg hunt. It felt weird that Lila wasn't there but it was fun to have Ruby's first Easter. 

Happy Easter.

The atonement of our savior means a little bit more when your in the hospital with a sick baby. I know that because of Him my family will be together forever. Lila will be perfect one day. She will dance and run and give me mountains of kisses. Endings are not our destiny. 

It was especially sweet to take the sacrament in Lila's room. I was overcome with gratitude. 

Finding eggs

We were invited to an Easter egg hunt by our good friends the satos. We were really looking forward to it before little miss headed into the hospital. I decided to swing by real quick so ruby could hunt eggs this year. Luckily she was happy with just one so we could head up to see sister. 

My parents

I forgot to say thank you to my amazing parents who had me a their home for three and a half months while Quinn worked to remodel our home. We ended up doing more than I though and we were there longer but they were always so great to us. Thank you

Hospital

Again. Sigh. Poor little miss. She just can't catch a break. After our ER visit last week I thought she was doing so much better. She stayed well enough to actually move last weekend, a huge blessing, but as the week went  on she couldn't keep anything down which meant that meds weren't getting into her little system. I was nervous not only cause I didn't want her to get sick but also because Quinn was heading out of town. A large optical company was flying him to sun valley to schmooze him. Really a once and a lifetime kind of trip. The morning he was suppose to go Lila had been throwing up about twelve hours with no sign of getting better. Quinn decided he wasn't going. He had such a good attitude about the situation. He told me nothing was more important than his girls and he couldn't bare the thought of Lila alone at night in the hospital. In that moment I dont think I have ever loved him more. And so I did a stupid thing, I lied. I told him Lila would be fine and go have fun being wined and dined. Dumb idea but very much out of love. The next day we were back in the ER and being admitted. It was hard for me to take ruby into the ER and struggle with her to not put every germy serface in her mouth but we didn't have a back up plan.  (I have such a new respect for single parents!) We were in survival mode. I started to make the phone calls for help to the family and I truly am in awe by their response. They rallied. Quinn's sister, mom and dad and my sister and mom all came and took their shifts. My mom even slept at the hospital both nights Quinn was gone. It was so touching and very humbling. I always try and do everything I am thrown on my own but sometimes you just can't. You have to ask for help. It's a good lesson for me. We can't do life on our own. We need each other to get though it. Unfortunately she is still there. I was so hoping she would be out for Easter, but at least Quinn is home and can have a day of not scheduling hospital shifts. 

Ruby was so restless in the ER we had to put a blanket down and let her play. So hard for this Special needs mom who has come to fear germs to phobia like porportions. 

I just had to share this sweet face pic. Finally got her to sleep before a nurse popped in just to see if we needed anything. 

Always nice to have a sick buddy. 

Ruby loves cords the hospital is like her Disneyland. 

Eight months

Eight months for miss Rue! She has so much personality. She rolls everywhere! She is so close to crawling, she will sit up and launch herself forward and kind of bellyflop.  She constantly says mamamamamama!! And needs tons of attention. I've definitely spoiled her. She loves the dog unfortunately the feeling is not mutual, and she is the only one she consistanly wants to give kisses to. Gross. She loves to pinch. Tiny razor sharp pinches. Oh and pull hair. She has an amazing belly laugh that can turn into a cry in .1 second. She loves cords, way more than any toy. She has one and a half teeth, the front bottom. She is very ticklish and loves to be startled. She must have got that from her sister. She "curtsies" she will look at you smile and do this adorable little bow. 

I use to hate when people would list what their kid had accomplished. It was always so painful but everything ruby does is so exciting. I just can't help but be overwhelmed by gratitude. 

Will not leave the sticker on for very long anymore. 

Home sweet home

Finally. All under the same roof 

Ruby QUINN

Looks like daddy's genes won on this one 

Quinn on left ruby right

One smart cookie

Ruby has done a lot today. 

She sat up all on her own! 

She tried a bottle for the first time and got how to do it and hold it 

And she stole a bite of mummy's cookie 

My little sickie

I guess Lila decided it was time to crash again. My poor sickie. Another uti. The ER  thinks they caught it early enough to treat it at home with oral antibiotics. But unfortunately I can't get anything to stay in her tummy. Fingers crossed. 

First tooth

Ruby's first tooth just popped through. Bottom left. You may not be able to see it but it's nice and sharp! 

A rough weekend and conference.

It has been a rough couple of days. Lila has a terrible cold. Which means that we are up suctioning at least six or so times a night. So I'm a little sleep deprived.  Also very unexplainably I have come to realize that Lila  has put on 11 pounds. She was 22 pounds for years and all of a sudden she's 33. I have so much anxiety about her getting older and heavier that this news of rapid weight gain has put me into a bit of a tailspin. I worry so much about how I will get her around, how she will be comfortable and how I will be mobile enough to make Rubys childhood fun and adventurous. It's my huge fear for the future and with her weight gain it just seems like it's been magnified. Plus I'm kind of doing this solo since Quinn has been so busy remodeling our new home for us. I know that it's just bad timing but it's been causing me to be very teary the past few days. Lila for her credit is always in a sweet mood. Yesterday I woke up to find her covered in gunk and yuckiness and yet she gave me a huge smile as soon as I talked to her. She is my true example of going through hard times with a smile on your face. 

That's why having conference come was such a good thing this weekend. To listen to the words of prophets and apostles who talked about our end goal in this life. Lila's  situation is going to be so short when compared to eternity. 

A quote that touch my heart so much was by president uchtdorf. he states, 

" We are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny."

I love that. Endings are not our destiny. 

Lila loving her conference packet by grandma Patsie. 

Ruby stole her sisters candy. 

And a conference nap. : ) 

Begging

I forgot to post this funny picture. I was feeding ruby some snacks and had to snap this picture. Ruby and Cubbie both look like they have the same expression waiting for some food. Little munch mouths. 

Slap happy

Someone gets slap happy right before she zonks. 

Fiiz and frozen

I usually had down to St. George with my sister for spring break. This year she had to work so we decided to have a little staycation.

 In the morning we went to a bouncy house with my sister, her kids and Ashly and her kids. In the afternoon we decided to show the girls the new Disney movie frozen. It's been a huge hit and it seems that all little girls are obsessed with this movie. Sometimes movies or activities like this make me sad since Lila can't  enjoy these things like other kids do. But I couldn't have been more wrong. We turned on the movie and Lila  started to laugh and kick the whole time it was on. Ruby also loved it. She bounced every time a song came on. It was such a fun memory   

After that we went to the little soda and treat shop called  fiiz in bountiful. Yummy! 

Matching

I have a problem of matching my girls to myself. I never realize until I leave the house. 

Side note: ruby is helmet free now during the day light hours.