Sunday, July 5, 2015

dear little man

Dear son,
I realized that by this time in pregnancy I was writing letters to your sisters and I haven't yet for you. You are twenty two weeks along and I am starting to feel more than just your flutters, there are some nice little kicks and jabs. A couple of days ago your dad felt a good kick for the first time. It made us so happy.  We are so excited for your arrival. The first half of my pregnancy was flying by but now it seems to have slowed. October seems a long way off. Maybe its because I am getting bigger and its getting hotter!
I worry about you constantly and struggle to enjoy pregnancy. I did this with your sisters as well so don't feel bad. It also doesn't help that the doctors have thrown out comments like genetic syndrome. The fear of all that that entails just starts to overwhelm me. I am still deep in grief from losing your sister, and the thoughts of you not healthy are daunting. But what I have learned in this life so far my boy is that worrying gets you absolutely no where. It paralyzes you for the work that needs to be done. And so I am putting my faith in an all knowing God and hoping that whatever comes into your and my life is only for good and for purpose.
I have struggled with being pregnant again, and I fear that is why I have not been as diligent with tummy pictures and letters to you. I have been hurting with the thought of bringing another precious member of our family home when we are not all here.  I have struggled with the fact that you will never be with your oldest sister on this Earth. I have been surprised by the amount of grief knowing that I will never have that "complete" family feeling. I mourn for you that you will not get to have some time with Lila.  The grief is mixed with such excitement for you, it is an odd and strange road to travel. I know that you coming will heal some of that grief and I know it will create a new and fresh wound as well. What a journey we have before us.
Your older sis Ruby is excited for you. She kisses my tummy and gives loves to "baby brudder" I have such high hopes for the two of you. I pray that you will be each others best friends. Only twenty six months apart I hope that you will find in each other the kind of friendship that I found with my brother growing up. We were each others favorite person. I hope so very much that happens for you and Ruby.
Your dad and I are getting closer to your name. We have struggled with finding you a name. Its actually been kinda funny. All of your aunts and Uncles and grandparents have looked through baby lists and made suggestions. Its been a very long process. The girls names  came so easily and I have tried so hard to find you a name that you will love and be proud of . I feel like since we are closer to your name you are becoming more real.
Your dad and I were talking that we are so use to unfortunate news in our lives that finding out that you were coming to us didn't seem real. We still are in shock that you are actually growing inside me. And a little boy as well! How foreign for us. What a fun and new adventure. I have been praying that I will be a good mom to a boy ( I hope I am being  a good mom to a girl as well) . Your dad thinks I am over thinking it, but I have never been a mom to a boy. I really want to do a good job. I hope you will be proud to call me your mom someday.
Your dad and I talk about our thoughts on what your little personality will be and we know that there is no way to know what is coming our way. We never could have foreseen Lila or Ruby. We are so excited for you. You my sweet boy are a miracle. I want you to know that. I want you to really understand that you are coming to two parents who have begged and pleaded for  you. I want you to understand - and I don't think you will until you have children of your own- what your little life means to us. What the birth of you after the death of your sister will mean to us.  We love you already and we are so grateful for you. I can't wait to meet you my sweet baby.



nikki said...

So beautiful, Kristi!

Barb said...

He's the luckiest little boy in the world to be coming to your family.

Lena said...

I can't wait to meet him too!! I can only imagine how much fun Ruby and he will be together.