28 weeks

Peanut you are 28 weeks along. We got to do another ultrasound because they were a little bit nervous about something, but luckily it resolved itself. The doc says you are looking great. Brain is looking normal, heart is perfect, all hands and feet are accounted for. They said you were practicing your breathing which is a really good sign cause babies who are under stress usually don't do that. You have been driving your mom is a little bit crazy. By having days of really good kicking and then days of not so great kicking. Mommy on the other hand is driving everyone else around her crazy with all of her "what if" scenarios. Somehow will get through this together little one.

We got to take some 3-D photos of you. But you were being awfully shy and had your hands across your face.

Cute little profile

Your Daddy and I called this one the smush  face. But you can see your big beautiful lips just like your daddy.

Overwhelmed.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today. Two families that we know had their children pass away due to genetic conditions. It's always a sobering moment when other ones lose their children. I know that we will soon be in their position. With arms aching just to hold my Lila again. To see her sweet smile and the light in her eyes. I feel like quinn and i talk about it, we try to prepare ourselves about how it will be. But I know nothing will ever prepare us for the moment lila is gone. So today I am grateful that she is safe in my arms. smiling as her daddy sings to her. Keep fighting little girl.

Then and now

Lindsey just posted these pictures on Instagram. Then and now. I still feel like that girl 12 years ago.

30th birthday celebration.

My high school ladies (and our adopted one lindsey) and I headed down to St. George to celebrate our 30th birthdays. We had such a fun time!!! We lounged, talked all night, ate yummy food and laughed hysterically. It was like twelve years ago all over again. Thanks ladies.

Yeah for the 1983 babies!

It was pretty amazing to float in the pool and get my preggers belly weight off my back. I was a prune everyday. Also a swig caffeine free diet cherry coke and a sugar cookie made it perfect.

The whole crew: Lindsey, Michelle, Alexis, Lindsey, Lyndsay, me, Liz and Brynn

Thanks to those who made this trip possible. Thanks to Quinn, Grandma and Grandpa K, Kelli and Grandma and Grandpa T. Especially to Aunt Kelli who had to put up with a very tired and sad little girl. I can't believe she cried for four hours with you! I am so sorry. I think daddy's idea for a late night party back fired. My usually wonderfully content little girl was just beside herself. I would like to imagine maybe she just missed her mommy. 

Odd how Lila somehow slept through the night, every night with daddy but as soon as mommy was home she was up several times a night  ; ) not sure daddy has his ears tuned to Lila frequency. 

Mother's Day

Last Mother's Day I was so sad I didn't go to church and I spent much of the day crying. I didn't feel like a mom. All the things mom talk about were so foreign to me. Play dates, tantrums, milestones, potty training, etc, etc they were all painful  to me. I wanted to be a part of that world so desperately. This mothers day I have been feeling grateful. Not just because I am pregnant and I hope to finally join in on the typical mommy life, but because I am feeling more secure in my role as Lila's mom. I know we don't do the stuff that everyone else does but I am still her mom. We are different and thats OK.  I'm not sure that Peanut will be normal, part of me thinks that I will never join the normal developing world, but I am grateful. These girls have taught me more about life then I think I could ever have learned without Lila's debilitating syndrom and without the struggle to get peanut here.
I know that someday Lila will tell me she loves me and that is all I need for now.

My ladies

This picture makes me emotional. I took it with LaRisse and Lena at the baby shower and as we took it Lena said, didn't we take a picture just like this when you started IVF? We did! These girls came over that first night and helped me take that first shot. At the time Lena was pregnant with twin boys and LaRisse was hoping her surrogate kept her newly implanted baby. Almost nine months later. Twin boys are making strides everyday (despite a rough start being premies) a baby girl is due any day and I am pregnant. What a miracle! Grateful for these ladies and all they have done for me. Could not have traveled this road without them.

LaRisse's shower

My cute friend LaRisse is about to have a baby! I am so excited! This has been years and years in Coming. I am so proud of her and how she has handled the long wait. I really look up to her and how she handled her trials. Even in all the long years if failed IVF she has always been positive and never gave up hope. Welcome baby girl.

Thanks Cassidy for helping me host the shower. I couldn't have done it without you! Even though we had to stay up to midnight making raindrops and cupcakes it was worth it. We should start our party planing business.

somehow it still hurts

We met with the school district (again) to talk about Lila's options for the future. We have had many discussions with them about her attending a preschool. It's been a very hard experience. The thought of Lila going to school terrifies me but I have to wonder if she would enjoy it. I am still on the fence.
Today we went over her IEP or individual education plan. All of the therapists and specialists who have worked with her wrote their opinions and assessments. I was surprised by how much it still hurts to read what they say about my little girl. Lila is scoring between a newborn and a four month old. It's amazing to me how grief can still take me by surprise and rip me to shreds.