a letter to my baby on her third birthday

Lila
Happy Birthday baby girl. The Big three! I can't believe that you were born three years ago. So much has happened in those three years. You are such a big girl now. You look like a little lady. You are tall and lean and growing into a little toddler. You are still as stunning as ever.
Lila, I feel like that last year has been so good for us. Less mourning and more rejoicing in just who you are. We delight in every smile and laugh. We are grateful that you are still able to have that skill. I know some special needs kids lose that as they get older and that would completely break my heart. Its your way of telling us you love us and we are so grateful. You love to look at me from the side under your lashes. Its adorable. Its like you are trying to look at me without being caught. I especially love when you give me a sly little smile to go with it. You still love to be surprised. Loud sudden noises do not bother you a bit. You think its pretty hilarious. I wonder if you didn't have Vici if you would grow into someone who loved scary movies. You love the jump. Your favorite thing still is to swim. We got to swim a few times this year and you loved it. As soon as you would hit the water you kick and laugh and smile. I love giving you an activity that I know you will enjoy. You have been comforted by me more this year. If you cry you can be calmed by me taking you into my arms. You use to be inconsolable but now you loved to be loved by your mommy and daddy. I can't tell you what that means to me. I feel like you know exactly who I am and not only that but that you love me. You love to be tickled. You love to put on lotion.  You still are not the best little sleeper, but you are always so patient with me in the middle of the night and will quietly chew on your fingers till I wake up and realize that you have been awake. You have been having more seizures sadly and it awful to see. We have tried all sorts of new medication and every time you are so wonderfully patient.  Your little body has been getting stiffer. Its not as easy to bend and move you, but we are trying to keep you as comfy as possible. You have been watching more shows this year but I think it tires you out just to try and focus on the lights and sounds. You still chat with Grandma Patti and Grandpa Todd more than anyone else, including me.  Every time you see them you have a lot to say, and its sounds pretty serious. I think you might be venting about your crazy mama. You are always extremely patient. Waiting without ever demanding. But you love the attention when I am able to talk to you again. You will give me kisses. If I kiss your cheek you will turn to me and give me big open mouth slobbery kisses. I adore them. You have a "I am about to smile" face. We can tell when a smile is right on the verge of coming out and all we have to do is talk to you and you will break into a huge smile. You adore your cousins. If I haven't gotten a smile all day as soon as we get with cousins I know one is around the corner.  You laugh at socially appropriate times. Its hilarious. You love to hear laughter and will laugh with everyone around you.  You still do "full body" laughs. Your laughter includes kicking your legs and pumping your arms. You love the sound of children. Just being in their presence you laugh and smile. I am so excited for your sister to get here so you two can play. Children love you! I have been surprised by how young children are drawn to you. They will gently come to you and pet your legs or try and hold your hand. Its always soft and with almost a respect. Its been humbling to watch. You will laugh at nothing at all. If I am busy with house work I can hear you laughing with the angels. I know they come to play.
You have blessed so many lives Lila, mine especially. This past year I have felt less sorry for myself and have focused more on the gift you give us. You have a spirit that lights up a room. Its amazing that people can be affected by you and you do nothing at all. There is a strong little spirit tucked away in that broken body. I know you must have been incredible in the previous life. You have made our lives better. When we got your diagnosis I thought our lives would be filled with grief and misery but it hasn't. It been filled with different activities for sure but not worse. Instead of chasing you at the park I cuddle with you on the couch. I use to be bitter that I didn't have the chasing but I have found to love the quiet moments. The moments where our souls talk rather than our bodies. And I can't imagine loving any accomplishment you would have done more than when I get you to smile and when we laugh at the same time. Not even the lead in dance class could make me feel more proud of you.  Thank you for changing my heart Lila for finding joy in the unexpected and the tragic. Thank you for letting me see the world differently and for teaching me what true love really is. Thank you for introducing me to other angel children and their families and for creating an amazing network of people. Thank you for teaching me what life is all about and for making the things I use to stress about trivial because they were. Thank you for making daddy and I even closer and for making us a team. Most importantly thank you for staying one more year. Thank you for being here. Thank you for staying in my arms and not returning to heaven yet. I know its getting uncomfortable in that body, I know it must not be easy, but thank you. Thank you for being with me, thank you for fulfilling daddy's baby blessing to you and becoming my best friend. I love you so much baby girl. Happy Birthday.
Love,
Your Mama