happy birthday Lila

Lovely Lila
Happy fourth birthday. I really thought you would be here with me today. On your third birthday I had no inclination that it might be your last. I was always very nervous about the age of three because that seemed like when a lot of vici children passed away, but once we hit that milestone I thought we were free and clear for a few more years. I never thought I would be crying by your grave this morning.
My dearest, oh how I miss you. I ache for you. I feel as though I am trapped in this horrible alternate reality and I am searching how to get back to you. A world without you just cannot be possible. How can my heart continue to beat without you? You are such a huge part of my soul that I didn't think we could ever be separated. You are more than a daughter. You are my best friend and the one who gave me the most comfort. As I think back on the last four years it was you who could lift me up and give me the most ease to my heart. I need you now. I need your half smile and full body laugh to lift this heavy burden of grief. I feel as if I am drowning and I am reaching for your hand in the depths. I can't seem to find it as I panic and desperately grasp.  This feeling is all consuming. I am trying to fight though, fight in your honor since you were the best little fighter that their ever was.
This last year has been a struggle, yet it has also been joyful. So many wonderful things happened. First, your little sister and namesake was born. Oh how you loved her. You would snuggle in close and smile at every little noise that she made. You loved it the louder she got and would laugh when she would cry. There were so many times that you two would be laying next to each other and you would be laughing and kicking with happiness. I am so glad that you two got eight months together. Unfortunately when Ruby was born was when your little body started to struggle. I think you were patiently waiting for her to get here and once she did you knew it was time. Thank you for staying the eight months. Thank you for letting me still be a mother. What a tender little mercy. If I didn't have Ruby to help me get out of bed I would truly be lost. You struggled through multiple hospital stays, different IV antibiotics and fluctuating electrolytes. I still don't know how you did it. I remember one particular hospital stay when they had kicked us out of the room to put your line in, when they finally let us back in I was horrified to hear you whimpering, you never complained. I quickly started to comfort you and your tiny swollen eyes opened just a crack as you looked at me then quite miraculously you smiled. A tiny crooked smile, just enough to let me know that you were aware of me and my love for you. What an amazing little girl you are. I am so proud of you. So proud of the fight your led.
We did lots of fun things during times that you were feeling alright. We swam in St George, played with cousins, spent time in the beautiful mountains. You were an honorary member of a little league team, the cubs of course. We spent quiet nights at home reading books, playing with glow sticks, lights and toys,  cuddling, listening to music and of course dancing. You were sleeping beauty for Halloween and I have never seen you so excited to wear something. As soon as I put you in that fluffy pink tool gown you were thrilled, smiling, laughing and kicking. It was so fun for a mom to watch.
This year found us on the move. We wanted to move into a home where your room could always be near me and where you could grow older with more room for ever growing equipment and supplies. We found a house in a school district that had a great severe special needs program and even a pool for your tight and strained muscles. We moved in with Grandma and Grandpa Thomson while daddy worked so hard to remodel and make it perfect for you. So you had two extra people who loved to cuddle you and give tons of love.
This year found you sicker than usual which meant a lot of down time. It was nice because Ruby was not mobile yet so we would all snuggle together and play. I guess I would say the last year of your life was spent snuggling, which is not a bad way to spend precious moments.
While cuddling you discovered sesame street on the ipad and you loved it, especially Elmo. Every time that furry red monster would come on you would light up. I will forever be an Elmo fan.
We met new friends. New Vici children whose life spans ranged from just a few weeks to nine and still alive! I guess that was why I was so shocked that you were leaving me at three. I thought we just might be that incredibly lucky few who beat the vici odds and had a ten year old.
I did start to notice that this last year seemed to be much harder for you . You rarely chewed on your fingers or "talked" anymore. The suction machine was our constant companion. Turning your head from side to side was difficult and you definitely preferred laying on your right which made your little ear stick out. Your legs were more swayed to the side and starting to get stiff. Therapists had just started to fit your arms and legs for braces and the muscles in your back were always in knots. I worried constantly about your comfort and asked the doctors if you could be on a muscle relaxant. They told me no because they were worried about your breathing and heart.  It frustrated me because I felt like I was watching you suffer and there was nothing I could do about it. Through it all you taught me how to endure all things well. Not ever complaining until it was beyond your breaking point. I pray that Heavenly Father was with you in these moments, carefully seeing you through the pain.
Lila you have brought miracles into our lives. During your short life and since your death our family has received beautiful acts of kindness. Acquaintances and even strangers have grown to love you and our family and have reached out to offer love and support. It has touched my heart and made us feel so special. I fear that we will lose that special spirit in our home. Its ironic that in the beginning of this journey I never wanted to be a special needs mom. I just wanted to be blissfully ordinary, now I am grieving over the fact that we are only ordinary and our special spirit in no longer in our family.
In April we finally moved into our new home, on a quiet little street in Holladay I pictured us swimming and walking to the little shops a few blocks away. We spent a few weeks exploring our new home before you were far to sick to take out. At  your final hospital stay the doctors told us we could take you home since it was viral and there was nothing more they could do for you. Since your passing I have had a ton of guilt as to if I should have taken you home but I am coming to see this as an answer to prayer. For the past six months of your life I plead with Heavenly Father to not make me make the decision on whether or not to keep you in this world. I know that I would have always chosen to have you with me. How could I not? And I never wanted to prolong your pain if it was your time to leave.  I see that it was a mercy to have you home, in our new home, where I will never leave, and have you pass peacefully in your spot. Your final Sunday on this Earth was Easter and your dad and I took the sacrament in your  hospital room. I cannot describe the overwhelming feelings of comfort I had as I took that bread and water. I felt so strongly that we were an eternal family and that we would be together forever.
The night before you passed, my love, I asked daddy if this could be it. I felt like maybe your time was coming but at the same time you had always rebounded from whatever sickness was thrown your way. I feel blessed that you slept in bed with me that night. That I could be there to help clean you up after being sick and cuddle you into my arms again. I feel blessed that your last moments on this Earth were not spent with loud alarms and doctors running in and out but peacefully listening to your parents, dog and sister. I feel so incredibly blessed that I told you just how much I loved you. That I got to hold you and tell you that if you needed to go that you could. I will be forever grateful to know that those were the last experiences that you had in this world. I am blessed to know that you only knew of love pure and unconditional.
Happy birthday my dear. My forever four year old. I think of you with a strong and perfect body surrounded by family and other admiring souls. I am jealous that they are in your presence tonight but I rejoice with the knowledge that I will be there as well someday. I hope that you think of me and miss me just a tiny fraction of how much I am missing you. I hope that you long for the day that you can hug me and finally say the words that I have been desperately waiting to hear. I hope that you are looking forward to it as much as I am, for it is the hope of that moment that is pushing me forward everyday. Please know this my sweet that we love you, that we miss you every moment of every day. Please know that you will always be a part of this family. You are my embodiment of Heaven and it is more wonderful than I ever thought possible. Until we meet again my gem.

-your eternal and ever loving mother

Celebrating Lila

It's Lila's birthday tomorrow. I went back and forth if I was going to do something or not. Last minute I decided it had to be celebrated.

 It was nice, getting ready for it made me feel like she was still with me, like  it was just another year to celebrate. We made cotton candy and home made root beer. We sent up sky lanterns in Lila's honor and had a finale of fireworks. (Which Quinn picked out and scared the whole neighborhood) it was a sweet little night. 

Ruby loves cotton candy just as much as her sister 

I like this photo cause Ruby was loosing it and here is my uh oh face. 

Fireworks!

Lighting the big box of fireworks. 

Poor ruby was loosing it. Too much sugar and no sleep. 

Thank goodness for this guy. This day has been so hard. If it wasn't for Quinn to help me through it  I'm not sure where I would be. 

It was good to celebrate and then lay in bed and sob. 

Three months

It's three months today since Lila left us. It was on a Saturday on the 26th. The same as today. I miss her so much. And while I am happy that she is free from pain my heart is so broken. 

Quinn was saying something about the funeral and he discribed it as "our funeral" at times it feels like that. A part of me died three months ago. 

Headstone

It turned out so beautifully 

We are so amazed by the sweet gestures that have come our way. Nu-art memorial has donated this beautiful tribute to our girl. Thank you to Chris for everything. It turned out so perfect. 

I can't wait to have it installed. 

Each release of a righteous individual from this life is also a call to new labors. Those who have true hope understand this. Therefore, though we missed the departed righteous so much here, hundreds may feel their touch there. One day, those hundreds will thank the bereaved for gracefully forgoing the extended association with choice individuals here, in order that they could help hundreds there. In God's ecology talent and love are never wasted. A mortal life may need to be shortened by 20 years as we might view - but if so, it may be done in order for special services to be rendered by that individual in the spirit world, services that will benefit thousands of new neighbors.

-Neal a maxwell 

I hope heaven is adoring and adequately grateful for their new  addition. 

Family Photos

 I realized I never posted the family photos that we got just two days before Lila passed. I had scheduled them months in advance since I was desperate to have pictures of Lila among the tulips. I never thought for one second these would be our last family photos.

Lila was sick and fresh out of the hospital. I thought about canceling and rescheduling but then I told myself there is never a guarantee of health with Lila. I should just get them done. I am really glad I did. Even though as I look at these I can tell my angel is so sick and feeling horrible I am grateful for these images. Our last moments as an earthly family.

I am so indebted to Heather Pickett who reedited  these images for me. If I had known these were going to be our last pictures I would have asked her to take them in the first place. But we went to a quick photo chain. When we got the images I was so sad. They were very overexposed. Luckily sweet heather worked her magic and they look a lot better! Thank you 

My poor girl. She was really struggling that day. I wonder if she knew what was coming. I hope angels were there to help her through her transition.

I simply adore this image. The trip was worth it even for just this one. How Lila is snuggled into her daddy and how she looks so angelic.

After these photos we placed Lila in the back of the car to change her diaper and put her in more comfortable clothes.  I thanked her for being such a trooper and she gave me a huge smile. I laughed and said, You stinker! you wait till after photos to smile? to which she responded with a precious laugh. That would be our last  smile and laugh. But it is still seared into my memory where I hope it stays safe and treasured forever.

She knows her

I show ruby lots of pictures of her sister. She has mastered saying "Lila" but I usually have to encourage her to say it. Today was a different . I held ruby up to the mantle over the fireplace and said who is this? Immediately she said "Lila." This was the first time I didn't preface it with "this is Lila, can you say Lila?" She just said it. Perfect and clear. I got teary and clapped for Ruby which she loves. I am so grateful that he knows her sister. Who knows just how deep their bond is. 

Eleven months

Happy eleven months to Ruby!! 

Ruby walks all over. It's unstable but she loves it and she is very determined. She has two teeth completely in and is getting three more, so she has been a tiny bit on the cranky side. : ) she loves to dance and sing. She is quite the "talker" but words she has mastered are hi, mama, dada, Lila, eyes, no, yes and bye bye. 

We started sleep training this month and while we had a few sad night of crying and screaming everyone is now sleeping much better and are happier. She loves to explore and climb and if we didn't watch her every minute she could get into real trouble. 

Love you baby girl

Somehow these stickers  end up on the head. 

Headstone

I got the proof to Lila's headstone today. I think we are set.  this is how it will look. 

I was surprised with the amount of pain that hit me when I saw this. It's beautiful, sweet and simple, but it's so final. Those dates, The best and worst days of my life. I keep waiting to wake up from this awful dream but I'm not and I won't. 

When I lay (my) questions before God I get no answer. But rather special sort of no answer. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, "peace, child; you don't understand."

- c.s Lewis 

Trying to live

I'm trying to continue to live. It's been really hard just to function, to try to go places, to talk to people.  I try really hard everyday for Ruby. I want her to have experiences and feel loved. I feel like we are helping each other through this. 

This was Ruby's first trip to the zoo. Of course we have to ride the giraffe in honor or our angel 

Going to the aquarium. Ruby loved the fishes. It amazing that she can watch the fish and enjoy the experience. 

I took ruby to the zoo on my birthday I wanted to be in a place that I had spent time with Lila. I wanted to see the giraffes and feel the peace that they bring me. 

We went to the play place at the mall. Ruby loved it. She loved to watch the kids and climb. This kid is a mover. She is all over the place.  She loves to do this little downward dog yoga move. She does it all the time. 

Walking

Somebody walked today. It was in pursuit of a banana. Four straight steps. What an incredible miracle. We don't take these milestones for granted. 

I miss my baby tonight. I miss her every night but especially tonight as I sit on my porch and think of her approaching fourth birthday. It feels like my soul is burning and I'm screaming from the pain but no one can hear me. Everyone is walking past me without realizing that I feel like I might die. I look with pleading eyes. Can't someone stop this unimaginable pain?! And yet the world is unaware that I'm missing my heart. That a chunk was violently ripped out and the hole is still new. I try and pretend that my world is not shattered. Somehow I think this might help. But truly everyday is a trial. Everyday I have to remind myself to keep breathing. I still have to be a wife and mother. 

Make a wish

When Lila passed away we were in the middle of her make a wish process. After the funeral I asked them if we could still go to the make a wish house and raise her star and make wishes in her honor in the wish room. They were wonderful and said they would be glad to have us.
It was an extremely beautiful night. I felt Lila with us. We stood as a family in the make a wish room and wished happiness to Lila. We wished that she was using her now perfect body, we wished that she could still be with her family who missed her so fully and we wished that she knew just how much she was loved and missed.

Lila's star

I brought a picture of Lila because I was not and am still not ready for a family photo without her.

Make a wish gave Lila a wooden box with her named carved on it with a key to the wish room.

The stars of some amazing little angels

Making a wish in the wishing pond

Lila up on the make a wish board.

Entering the wish room

Reading our wishes

My dearest girl

I wish for you extreme happiness. Giddy, all consuming happiness

I wish that your legs and arms are constantly busy

I wish that you are running, jumping, twirling and skipping

I wish that your arms are wrapped around the necks of loved ones and that your hands are constantly being held

I wish that your full body laugh is frequent

I wish that your little voice is finally being able to tell all that you want to say

i wish that you know of my love and my ache to hold you.

I wish that you know just how proud I am of you

I wish you complete joy

Poppy got to put our wishes into the wishing sculpture.

Raising Lila's star

The sun hit her star at just the right moment. Lila was telling us she was there.

Our amazing family