Wednesday, July 2, 2014

I miss my baby tonight. I miss her every night but especially tonight as I sit on my porch and think of her approaching fourth birthday. It feels like my soul is burning and I'm screaming from the pain but no one can hear me. Everyone is walking past me without realizing that I feel like I might die. I look with pleading eyes. Can't someone stop this unimaginable pain?! And yet the world is unaware that I'm missing my heart. That a chunk was violently ripped out and the hole is still new. I try and pretend that my world is not shattered. Somehow I think this might help. But truly everyday is a trial. Everyday I have to remind myself to keep breathing. I still have to be a wife and mother. 

4 comments:

Barb said...

Words fail me, but you have my love and support.

Terri Goldstein said...

I truly understand. It doesn't take long for life to appear to return to normal. However, many, many simply cannot show their pain. Or, they thnk if they show their pain or talk to you about Lila that they will suddenly "remind," and bring on new pain-- like you could ever forget. They say that grief goes in waves and that is true Kristi. Your thoughts and feelings that that come and go each day are very normal. I promise that you are not going crazy. You have a wodnerful opportunity coming up soon for Lila's 4th birthday. Now is the time to think about the special ways that you will celebrate her memory. It is also the time when you will start to develop a new kind of relationship with her- different from what you experienced during her life on earth-- but just as loving and magical.

I know you don't know me other than through Quinn. However, we share something that thankfully not that many people share. And I do understand. I am always happy to listen.

Carolyn said...

I am so sorry. I can't begin to understand your pain, but I know you hurt and want you to at least know that you are loved. I can't forget her birthday.

Robbie and Margot said...

Oh how I wish there was something to do to help you. You are so strong, just remember that.