Instagram fun

Quinn had to change phone providers for work, so he surprised me with a new iPhone. I've been having lots of fun with Instagram and taking tons of pictures. I decided I'd be posting them on my blog to keep them part of my scrapbook.

the zoo

 Lila's cute Giraffe leggings. A part of her Halloween costume.

 Lila's cute new pedicure.

We got tickets to go to the Zoo and asked my mom and dad along since they were watching Ben, Gracie and Evie.
I asked my mom and dad watch Lila while I worked earlier in the day since they also had the other cousins, I thought Lila would like a little cousin time. My mom sent me the text "this baby is so loved. They were fighting about who gets to be by her so we are on a rotation basis...2 at the side and one rubbing her feet... how would it be to have soooooo much love!" Made my whole day. We are lucky for good cousins.

sugarhouse vision

Did you know about a cute little optical shop in the heart of surgarhouse that has been around for over 70 years? Its called Sugarhouse vision and I have started to work there on Saturdays. (trying to chip away at that IVF bill) They have the cutest manager/co-owner. I think I am in love. They also do kids so you should bring in the whole family! Check them out. 801-484-2020 
Thanks to those who take their turn and watch the little lady for me.

The very hungry caterpillar

Lila's Grandma and Grandpa Thomson got her a special birthday present. We have been wanting The very hungry caterpillar by Eric Carle braille addition since our vision therapist brought it one day. It has been very hard to track down. Lila loves it! She likes to pet the fuzzy caterpillars and touch the different foods. Her breathing gets really quite, she concentrates and touches the pages. I love that I know she likes doing something.   What a gift it is just to know that your child likes doing an activity. It helps me feel like I can actually entertain my baby. THANK YOU grandma and grandpa!

Her favorite page is the fat caterpillar. She just stares and rubs her little hand across the page.

swimming at grandmas and grandpas

 we took little miss swimming in grandmas and grandpas hot tub. She was in a crying mood at first and the swimming really calmed her down. Grandpa gave her his head pillow to see if she could do some floating on her own. She was swimming all by herself.

getting by

This is the most lost I have ever felt in my life. Quinn and I have no idea what action to take next. How to move forward to create the family we so desperately want. I fear that not having one may just be Quinn and I's hurtle to overcome. When I think about the future it fills me with dread and worry. I don't want to feel that at 29 my future looks bleak.  It feels like I have a hole in my chest that I never knew was there that constantly aches and throbs.
But I am grateful. I am lucky to have my best friend hold me at night, to try and reassure me and to know exactly what all this feels like. I am grateful that when he hears bad news his first reaction is to tell me he loves me and not to curse fate or be angry. I am grateful for a sweet little girl that is still safe in my arms and not in a hospital bed or even worse. For an angel who laughs with me in the mornings and cuddles in the afternoons. Who will give me looks like she knows exactly what is going on and will follow it up by a knowing smile. Who is patient and kind and takes joy in the most simplest of things.

more bad news

Our embryo didn't make it.  They called today and told us our lone embryo was deteriorating and wouldn't survive  a freeze. They were just going to let it go.  We have nothing left.  

complete heartbreak

Our IVF cycle is over.  It didn't work.

This cycle was a roller coaster.  That is the best way to describe it. After finding out I have some fertility issues we weren't that confident going forward but we knew we had to give it our best effort. We did the medication and after a few days we saw some progress. The doctors were pleasantly surprised, something that made me believe we might have a miracle.  We went into the egg retrieval hoping for around five eggs. (The normal person gets 15 to 20) I ended up with nine. A miracle for me! I thought yes! this is it! this is finally my little families break. Its been a rough two years and this is going to be our reward for sticking it out. The called the next day and said only 2 fertilized. ugh. How defeating.  Quinn and I agonized over what to do. You see, to test the embryos is 5 thousand, whether you have 100 or just 2. We didn't know what to do. We decided to see how they looked today (day 3 in their dish) and see if they looked like they would be good embryos. They called today and said one had some abnormalities and they couldn't use it.  The other one on the other hand looked good. They said you have to make your decision in the next few minutes on what you want to do. I had no idea. Do we spend 5 thousand on just one embryo?!!! what if the next time we try I get none?! The clinic suggested we freeze this embryo and test it when and if we get more embryos from a different cycle. We could test them all together then. But sometimes embryos die because of the freezing process. What a horrible position to be in. We decided to freeze it... then we decided to test it. Back and forth. Finally we decided to test it. I called back my doctor and said this could be my only chance at biological children, lets test it. He told me he was really sorry but we lost our window. The embryo grew so fast while we were debating that we have no choice now but to wait to day five, do the biopsy and then freeze the embryo and the biopsy and wait till we do a fresh cycle to see if we can get more embryos. 

I feel a little picked on.  Could I have a terminally ill special needs child OR fertility issues? Why both??!! Does the big guy upstairs just really really not want me to be a mom? I feel like I am laying on the floor of a boxing ring just having gone twenty rounds with the world champ. I am deciding if there is anything left of my heart to try and pick myself back up and try again.

Come what may my love....

Tomorrow is kinda a big day for our IVF adventure. We have been stressing and praying and hoping that all will work out and tomorrow is the first of many important days to come..... And while I have been looking forward and praying for what I desperately want, I do want to take a moment and be thankful for what I have. No matter what happens next, I have been blessed beyond measure.  Lila has been especially cute these past few weeks. Looking at me and smiling, even if I am deep in tears and worry. She has laughed, comforted me, and encouraged me all by just being her sweet little self.
 My amazing partner in all of this has been my biggest strength. Quinn has been incredible. How I hooked this guy I will never know. I am convinced a weaker man would have moved out by now. He has kissed every tear and encouraged me through every shot, even when I am trying to run away from him and the needle. He keeps reminding me that even if we don't get to have the blessing of children in our lives we are already blessed to have each other. How many people find their soul mate? I Love you Quinn. Thank you for being the man that I always use to dream of as a little girl. Come what may I am lucky to hold your hand and travel these harsh storms, where ever they happen to push us, as long as I have you.... 

flashback

I love flashback pics! Quinn found this pic while cleaning out his car. I think this was 2004. I love finding old pictures. How hilarious. Just hanging with Tory, Sara, Meredith and Barbara Walters. We saw her while walking in Vegas.

Liz posted this one on facebook the other day. This is us in 2000 (I think, we were Juniors right?)  Liz and I could be so annoying together. We were constantly goofing off.  We had a ton of fun though. Right Stobbie?

IVF update.

This IVF has been a roller coaster ride. Just when I give up hope the docs tell me there is a small chance of success. Our first ultrasound didn't go so well. There was talk of just canceling the whole cycle. Let me tell you after a week of pricey hormones injections canceling is pretty devastating to hear. We went to our next ultrasound this morning and after the doc prefaced us by explaining my body is just not doing what he wants and how this isn't going very well, he started the ultrasound. As he looked at my body he said, "well this is looking OK.  I can tell that you guys have been praying." Quinn and I started laughing. A bit of an understatement.  He continued on to tell me it still doesn't look great. Especially since we are doing PGD but at least we have some progression.  I just wanted to share because I think all your prayers are helping.  Please keep praying for us. Hopefully there is a miracle around the corner.....

Brigham city temple open house.

I went with my mom and my sister and her kids to the Brigham city temple open house.  It was beautiful. We had a pretty incredible experience in the temple with Lila. I hate to say too much because I feel like it was a pretty sacred moment. But I know my little one was watching angels. She was so happy. It was such a reaffirmation to me how I will have this little one forever and her giant spirit will be stuck in this little limited body for just a moment. We are so lucky to have her.

I wanted to thank everyone who fasted and prayed for us this week.  I was so touched by those who thought of my family and cared enough to take the time to think of us. I was amazed that even people who I have never met prayed for my family.  I truly hope it makes a difference. I believe in miracles I just hope one is in store for us.  After an ultrasound this morning there is a small hope that we can  continue on with IVF but my body really has to start responding. The next few days will be very important.

Thanks Barb!!

Sweet Barb gave us this amazing family portrait. Thank you so much! It was exactly what I needed this week. A sweet reminder that we are still a family and even as we struggle to have more children and Lila wont always be with us I will always be a mom.