Thoughts

General Conference was last Sunday. (if your not LDS that just means our church leadership spoke to us) I love general conference. It has come to mean so much to me as I have traveled this road with Lila. There were so many good thoughts this year. Issues ranging from being a caretaker, coming closer to Christ and to seeing the disabled whole one day in heaven. But one of the talks has particularly stuck with me. The sad thing is I can't even remember who gave the talk, but he talked about a grandmother who from extenuating circumstances was raising her grandson. This woman was amazing and did her best to be a good person but her grandson struggled. He had run ins with the law and eventually was thrown in prison. On her way to visit him she cried to the Lord and asked why she was given this grandson. She did her best to serve him why could he not help the boy she loved so much? The answer came to her heart. Heavenly Father had given her that grandson because he knew that she would love him no matter what and would watch over him. This struck me. In the beginning of Lila's diagnosis process I wondered what I had done to deserve the wrath of Heavenly Father, I thought Lila was a punishment, or if not a punishment that I was such a weak and feeble person and that God gave her to me so that I would be forced to become better ( the becoming better part is completely true ) I never for one moment thought that maybe God loved Lila so much that he sent her to me. To a mommy who would love, take care of and see her for the angel that she is. Maybe, just maybe, God had so much faith in me as a mother that he wanted to send one of his angel children to me. An absolutely defenseless and pure little soul who would need countless hours of care. She would need constant suctioning , seizure meds, treatments, doctors visits and most importantly lots of love.  Now, I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, but I do think that it is nice to maybe see this side of the plan. As Quinn says, the plan is not linear there can be more than one reason for things. I know Lila was sent to me to make me a better and kinder person but I also would like to think that she was sent to me because my father in Heaven loved her so much he wanted her to be under my care for her short sojourn in this life. Sometimes its nice to see things in a new light.