Friday, September 14, 2012

complete heartbreak

Our IVF cycle is over.  It didn't work.
This cycle was a roller coaster.  That is the best way to describe it. After finding out I have some fertility issues we weren't that confident going forward but we knew we had to give it our best effort. We did the medication and after a few days we saw some progress. The doctors were pleasantly surprised, something that made me believe we might have a miracle.  We went into the egg retrieval hoping for around five eggs. (The normal person gets 15 to 20) I ended up with nine. A miracle for me! I thought yes! this is it! this is finally my little families break. Its been a rough two years and this is going to be our reward for sticking it out. The called the next day and said only 2 fertilized. ugh. How defeating.  Quinn and I agonized over what to do. You see, to test the embryos is 5 thousand, whether you have 100 or just 2. We didn't know what to do. We decided to see how they looked today (day 3 in their dish) and see if they looked like they would be good embryos. They called today and said one had some abnormalities and they couldn't use it.  The other one on the other hand looked good. They said you have to make your decision in the next few minutes on what you want to do. I had no idea. Do we spend 5 thousand on just one embryo?!!! what if the next time we try I get none?! The clinic suggested we freeze this embryo and test it when and if we get more embryos from a different cycle. We could test them all together then. But sometimes embryos die because of the freezing process. What a horrible position to be in. We decided to freeze it... then we decided to test it. Back and forth. Finally we decided to test it. I called back my doctor and said this could be my only chance at biological children, lets test it. He told me he was really sorry but we lost our window. The embryo grew so fast while we were debating that we have no choice now but to wait to day five, do the biopsy and then freeze the embryo and the biopsy and wait till we do a fresh cycle to see if we can get more embryos. 
I feel a little picked on.  Could I have a terminally ill special needs child OR fertility issues? Why both??!! Does the big guy upstairs just really really not want me to be a mom? I feel like I am laying on the floor of a boxing ring just having gone twenty rounds with the world champ. I am deciding if there is anything left of my heart to try and pick myself back up and try again.


luke and kourt said...

Just wanted to say I'm sorry. I think and pray for your little family often. I just wanted to mention a source of help you might want to look in to. There is a foundation at that sponsors couples dealing with infertility or applying for adoption. They have a race coming up in a few weeks and there is a drawing at the race for a free ivf cycle. You could also look into being a couple sponsored in the future, I know it's well deserved for you guys! Anyways, sorry if this is too much right now, I was just trying to think of how to help. Please know how my heart hurts for you, even though I'm a stranger your blog has been such a source of inspiration!

Barb said...

I'm so sorry. Your family is beautiful, you and Quinn are wonderful parents. You are not alone in this tragedy- I pray you can feel us all around you lifting you up. Love.

Steve and Liz Evans said...

Kris I was so sad I couldnt make dinner with you the other night with everything you are going through. I just know it will all turn out right someday and maybe like we talked about at my house you may end up with triplets! Who knows. I am praying for that little embryo of yours and maybe more if you try again. Do you have a free night this week??? I would love to take you out. We can talk the whole thing out or talk about something else. Whatever you feel like. I'll call you and we can arrange something. I just think there is something on the horizon for you guys!!!

Brynn said...

We are still praying for you and still hoping for a miracle. Love you guys!

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